An informal dialogue-style post with a list of thought-provoking questions on resentment in relationships, and their answers. Come read!
My friend and I were invested in one of our infamous ‘late-night’ speculations of relationships, when she asked a very innocent and valid question about resentment.
Just like the time before when we talked about detachment, that’s how this post came to birth. It is largely channelled, also something I talked more about in the former post of this type.
“Forgive, but don’t forget” is the advice I had given her, when she confessed she still holds a lot of resentment towards her partner.
The Dialogue on Resentment
What does not forgetting give me? Isn’t that resentment in
It helps you set boundaries; the things you are willing to accept or not.
But how do we forgive, if we are still remembering (not
You hold resentment because you feel bad it happened to you. How dare HE/SHE do that to you. But you can let it go, by realising that it was YOU that allowed it to happen to you.
You don’t just forgive the other person, you also forgive yourself, for allowing something to have happened to you – to have been so deeply painful and for not knowing better sooner,
And you forgiving him does not mean he can do it again. It means you forgive it happened before, but you make it clear that it can not happen again. This is the basis of a HEALTHY BOUNDARY.
When you have a solid boundary, when you stand up for yourself, or make it clear that you’re not comfortable with whatever is going on, you are able to prevent mistreatment to a large extent.
And even if the behaviour persists, because you have become more conscious and intolerant for it, there are repercussions for the misdo-er, so you waste less time giving second/third/infinity chances and being heartbroken.
The repercussions could be as simple as not-talking for a certain duration, or stronger steps such as breaking off the relationship.
That makes sense. But the thing is, if there are repercussions, it effects both of us. If there’s a fight or breakup, I suffer too. So basically both suffer, for the misbehaviour of one.
It gets better with time for a simple reason. He cannot do to you, what will no longer effect you. That is how the Universe works, that’s why we are given Spiritual Contracts in our relationships, and that’s how they improve. We learn from our partner, and we bring a SHIFT in our dynamic once the lesson has been learned.
A simple self-reflection on boundaries is a clear win out of resentment, and into healthier relationships.
I also want to address more about Healthy Boundaries through this video.
The Universe has our back! If only we could learn to let go of control. Here’s some inspiration on 5 ways to surrender, in your daily life.
I used to be the girl that always packed her bags weeks in advance, before a vacation. However, on the eve of my 23rd birthday, a very dreadful Irritated Bowel Syndrome attack rendered me helpless. I had embarrassingly lost control of my own bowel movement. And it was a wake up call for me to stop holding on so tightly to life. To SURRENDER.
Aren’t we all trying to tame, to control our lives? The ego is driving us in these cases. The ego wants to feel familiarity. It isn’t prepared for change. But the truth is, change is the only constant! Then why aren’t we learning to let go?
To whatever capacity that you might be trying to control and sometimes even micromanage your circumstances, here are small ways to change that.
#1 – Don’t ‘Google’ it.
Being informed is good, but sometimes we limit ourselves when we know TOO much, because we make our mind even before we arrive at the situation.
A small place to start, is to no longer Google medical symptoms online.
Personally, I also no longer watch movie trailers or read too much from a book’s synopsis. As long as it falls in the genre of something I’m in the mood for, I dive in!
It might not seem like a big deal, but the liberation that comes from not knowing what to expect in your entertainment, and showing up anyway, can be healing.
#2 – Don’t kill spontaneity with too much certainty. Surrender by taking life as it comes.
Do you plan your itinerary to every minute detail?
Some spiritual manifestations of this might mean following horoscopes in the newspaper, pulling Tarot readings for yourself, depending too frequently on your clairvoyant insights, or constantly checking the planetary alignments. In other words, becoming spiritually obsessed.
I get it. We want to be prepared, because we want to feel in control.
But the truth is, we cannot ever be completely prepared to respond to everything that happens to us, and therefore, please allow yourself to stay in the present moment by responding as and when situations arise.
Let go of the urge to know about your future.
This also pairs with the first insight. Knowing too much kills spontaneity. And without spontaneity, you are not allowing the universe to breathe and create through you.
#3 – Surrender your routine.
Forcing yourself to go to the gym every single day, or beating yourself up for not having a salad on the seventh day in a row is basically you suffocating your inner child.
Have a structure, but don’t be rigid. Be consistent but don’t be monotonous.
Always have an idea about what you want to aspire for, but let go of how. Some examples :
“I want to be fit.” Some days it’ll mean going to the gym, other days it’ll mean picking healthier food choices, and on weekdays it’ll be using the stairs to work.
“I want to learn something new everyday.” Some days, read a book. Some days, watch a TED talk, or listen to a podcast. Occasionally on weekends, enrol in a workshop.
“I want to invest in my relationships.” Somedays, have meals together. At other times, have a long conversation on the phone (or in person), or simple acts of kindness like a shoulder massage or helping cook.
“I want to invest in my passion daily.” NOTE : Since I’m a writer, I’ll share examples per my situation. Somedays, it’ll mean actually writing. Some days it’ll be working on aesthetics and marketing. On other days it’ll be investing energy indirectly by doing things that fuel my writing like reading a book on a relevant genre, or attending healing/personality development classes.
#4 – Accept change of plans.
How badly are you effected when a vacation gets cancelled or if a friend bails on a lunch date?
Think about it. You can only build your acceptance if you’re facing situations that are unusual to your perception of how the world should be.
Thus, it’s a vital aspect of learning to surrender.
So anytime things don’t go our way, it is our choice to either see this as the Universe ‘hating’ us, or simply bouncing back up and making way for whatever comes next.
And as I always say, life’s too short to get stuck too long in the what-ifs. It’s important to focus on the what-is.
#5 – It’s okay for things to go against your judgement.
Most of the times, life’s curve-balls cannot be predicted on a fancy algorithm on a supercomputer. Don’t let life get in the way of your relationship with yourself. Learn to trust and love yourself, as well as the universe.
Trusting yourself should not be disguised under the misconception that you will always make the right choices. Self-love means acknowledging that as humans we don’t always know the right thing to do, but we still try our best.
And trusting the universe doesn’t mean that things will go your way because you’re now friends with the Divine. Things will still continue to be weird and unexplainable, and you will be alright.
The ability to surrender becomes easier when you start small. Just like any habit, it’s one that takes practice. But it brings you the mental freedom you truly deserve.
So let’s take the weight off our shoulders and learn to live a little (or a lot), shall we? 🙂
P.S. The Surrender Experiment is an incredible and inspiring story of an almost-monk who completely surrendered to his life. What happens then, is worth reading!
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An inspiring story of how a young girl, Hasitha Illa braved through Friedreich’s Ataxia. All thanks to her Turning Point. Find out what that was!
My name is Hasitha Illa and this is the story of how I fought through Friedreich’s Ataxia by finding my Turning Point.
As a child, I was the cutest, most bubbliest kid there was. Wherever I went, I would have many admirers. My mom never lost the opportunity to take a photo of me. I even got a marriage proposal from a foreigner at that young age!
I would join any conversation, even if it was just for a laugh and I’d be surrounded by smiles. My characteristics had fulfilled the meaning of my name, Hasitha (smile).
As I got older, I noticed the changes.
One day I abruptly started limping, which left my parents worried.
I started dropping plates due to my imbalance. My childhood, which was supposed to be filled with parks and games, was packed with hospital visits. Though I loved football, I ended up discontinuing playtime because of my physical transformation.
I was diagnosed with a rare and progressive disease called Friedreich’s Ataxia, which currently has no cure.
I was heartbroken.
When people started bullying me for the way I moved, and treated me differently, I became self-conscious. Although there were people like my parents who gave me constant support, I found myself focusing more and more on the negatives. This did no good to me, except dragging me further into depression.
The violin was an instrument which I learned to play passionately from the third grade, but somewhere down the road left angrily because I did not believe in myself.
I would isolate myself during the day and cry myself to sleep at night. I would distract my thoughts by concentrating on studying, but when I was free, I was not okay.
The ‘Hasi’ in Hasitha was becoming absent.
Everyone waits for their birthday, but I would not because with each passing year, my disease was progressing along with it. I started to walk with the support of others. Then, there came a point in my life where I needed the wheelchair.
I disliked the sudden attention it gave me, and the way people stared made me uncomfortable. I hated taking photos in it so, I was always ready to take that extra sweat to avoid it.
The thought of me being in a wheelchair crushed me.
It was during that time when Heartfulness came into my life, like a breath of fresh air. Initially, I was sceptical to join this system, but in the end, I went ahead for the sake of making my mother happy.
I received my introductory sittings which prepared me for meditation. Within a span of six months, I could feel a spiritual shift inside. I felt the presence of a divine energy that stayed with me like a guardian angel.
I slowly started to accept who I truly was and cherish the positives in life.
My Heartfulness practices gave me the courage to participate in the Miss Wheelchair India pageant, where people proudly showcase their abilities.
By the time I started my graduation program in B.Tech, I had become wheelchair-bound. However, this did not stop me from doing anything. In fact, I was ready to tackle new hurdles.
I joined my college’s hostel in Pune and successfully completed my project in CCMB, Hyderabad. I had the opportunity to give an inspiring speech, with the renowned Indian singer, Shankar Mahadevan. You can watch the video below!
My hidden interests continued to unravel.
I also suddenly gained interest in writing, which opened new doors for me. I now write a blog talking about my struggles with a mission to inspire many.
I want to share all this with you, because I have learned that all of us have some or another difficulty in life. But, that should not bring us down. Infact, we should take that as a challenge to be won. Because in the end, how we actually win over the hurdles, is what makes us who we are.
I hope you too, will find your turning point, and win life. 🙂
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Hasitha Illa recently finished her B.Tech. in Medical Biotechnology.
She enjoys science and is preparing to pursue her Ph.D. in Genetics. Apart from that, she loves to use her writing skills as a tool to inspire others.