Seeking Validation in 3 Undeniable Ways

Seeking validation, bragging, attention-seeking and many other behaviours all reflect our inherent fears. Find out which type of validation seeker you are, and heal yourself!

We all like to feel good about ourselves – about the things we have, the things we do, and so-on. Unfortunately, sometimes we go to great lengths to find this feeling of gratification.

We start seeking validation from a very young age.

You’ll notice all three kinds of people around you, that in some capacity or another are wanting validation. And don’t cringe if you feel like you too fall into a category you don’t like. We have all been ‘that person’.

Understanding the underlying fear which causes our need to seek validation, and then tactfully dealing with it within ourselves and those around us, is the only way to true inner healing. Let’s explore the types!

#1 – THE SELF-GLORIFYING

In other words, bragging

Frog, Chick, Lady, Arrogant, Cocktail

We validate ourselves rather awkwardly, by boasting ourselves in front of other people.

What is the need to do this? The underlying fear is – the fear of becoming insignificant, being left-out. It is the insecurity that other people won’t notice us, won’t acknowledge us, if we don’t remind them of our glory.

Seen most in : People that are ‘trying too hard’ to stand out.

Other adjectives : smug-face, self-absorbed, smirking.

Other behaviours developed from this: Left unattended, it starts to develop into ‘superiority complex’, and over-confidence. We begin to think too high of ourselves because we’re always trying to validate ourselves infront of other people, and unfortunately undermine others.

Sometimes, we may even shoot down and invalidate other people’s success (or failure) by trying to compare with our own.

#2 – HIS/HER VALIDATION.

Recognised as attention seeking.

Hand, Human, Partnership, Teamwork, Cooperation, Seeking Validation from others

Usually seen when we feel inferior to the people around us. We directly or indirectly go to them to seek their affirmation that we have, or what we did is “approved” in society. And we try to dim our own light, change our opinion, if we don’t receive the appreciation we think we deserve.

What is the need to do this? The underlying fear is – the fear of not being good enough, being unable to trust ourselves and our judgement.

Seen most in: People trying to ‘fit-in’ and conform to their environment.

Other adjectives: people-pleasing, yes-man, doormat, etc.

Other behaviours developed from this: It becomes worse when people start going overboard by trying to get on someone’s good books. Running favours, going above and beyond to make someone like you, etc.

#3 – ULTIMATE VALIDATION 

This is the right balance; reflecting a healthy form of confidence, and learning to co-exist with our differences.

Inclusion, Group, Wheelchair

This kind of behaviour says “you can be yourself, and so can I” and sometimes when things don’t click in the circle, it is the attitude of “let’s just agree to disagree”.

This will only harness in our nature, when we trust our own judgement, consider our feelings and opinion worthy. Even if it doesn’t match with what society says. And at the same time aren’t fixated that there’s only one ‘right way’ for things to be.

Here’s a quick video going over the different self-love and self-validating things you can do in daily life.

Read More : 7 Life-Changing Self-Love Habits

When it comes to seeking rewards, this behaviour is achieved by knowing that the Universe is always watching over you and will compensate for anything that another human being missed. The Universe doesn’t miss a thing!

Universe, Person, Silhouette, Star, Joy

To further explain Ultimate Gratification, I’d also like to share a quote from the Bible (I am not a preacher or Catholic, but I really resonate with this wonderful message) :

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.”

Matthew 6:2 (NIV)

Concluding Thoughts

Each behaviour associates with our self-esteem and our ability to appreciate our differences. While you can’t always call it out in other people, or help them, an insight of the fears that run in their subconscious can help you become more compassionate towards them.

And when it comes to ourselves, a simple reflection on which category you fall into can help you look your fears in the eye, make better choices and thus become the best version of you!

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7 Daily Self Love Habits To Do, Especially When You Work From Home

This year I took to changing my life, 1 habit at a time. Here are 7 self-love habits through which you can immediately bring life-changing results!

When a pandemic like the Coronavirus makes you sit at home, it gets you thinking. How can you manage yourself and your time better? Because I’ve been working from home since the past one year, I decided to update my own suggestions on this post. Here are 7 self love habits worth doing in 2020, especially when you’re working from home.

You will thank yourself later for doing this!

#1 – Start your morning on YOUR terms.

Our time is consistently divided between balancing our career, family and friends. And in the midst of all that, we neglect ourselves.

wake up, morning, self love, good habits, early to bed early to rise, coffee, sleepy

While talking about self love habits, I think the best piece of advice I’ve heard is to fill your cup up first, as Iyanla Vanzant says. And then you overflow with love for the world.

In other words, you become more capable of taking care of others, when you’ve first taken care of yourself.

And unwinding the day with ‘me-time’ just isn’t enough, you also need to wake-up to be with yourself.

It might be an early morning jog, reading a book, meditation or an extra 5-minutes enjoying your breakfast.

Whatever it is for you, give yourself enough time in the morning to start on the right note. This is only possible if we’re not snoozing the alarm or in contrast, checking out work emails before work begins.

Read More : 5 Ways to Achieve Better Work-Life Balance


#2 – Intermittent Internet

We’ve all heard of intermittent fasting from food, but it’s essential that we start detoxing our mind too – from the internet!

Social Media, Facebook, Smartphone, Digital Detox, Intermitten Internet, Self Love Habits

Matt Haig was right when he wrote, “There is no shame in not watching news. There is no shame in not going on Twitter. There is no shame in disconnecting.” in his book, Notes on a Nervous Planet.

We are overwhelmed and saturated with information overload. Our attention span is as bad as a goldfish!

And if you’re sitting at home, there’s no limit on how many hours you use different gadgets throughout the day! So, a few tricks worth trying are:

  • One hour before bed, keep your phone away from you, preferably with the internet turned off. The next time you should use your phone, is in the morning to shut the alarm off. This simple practice will slow your mind down and get your mind prepared for bed-time.
  • Use the DND feature on your device at night, to ensure you are not being disturbed by notifications and tempted to check your phone.
  • Don’t turn on the internet until AFTER you’ve done your morning rituals of self-love (read point #1).
  • Have dedicated periods of use, such as lunch break or while you’re chilling. This prevents mindless fiddling.
  • In general, turn off all the notifications that cause distraction and keep your phone out of sight so that you’re not eager to keep checking it every time it lights up and you spot it from the corner of your eye!
  • I loved this minimalist guy’s recommendation to keep a check on how many social media apps you’re using!

#3 – PRACTISING A Self-Care routine

This is different from self love, in the sense that self-care is more about what you NEED to do versus what you LOVE to do. Now, I want to take a minute to talk about the obstacles that prevent us from doing the things we know are good for us.

  • Just not remembering to do something.

    Make a list of actions you need to do but have been neglecting.
    Then stick notes in the respective place – bedroom/bathroom/kitchen so that you remember to do them. Even better if you can set some reminders on your phone.

    The psychology behind this is, you are more likely to do something if you are directly or indirectly given a ‘cue’ for it.
Self-Care, Health, Relax, Self
Image courtesy : Tiny Tribes
  • Not feeling motivated to carry the task through.

    A simple piece of advice can help you do this, without fail.
    Make the first two minutes of your habit EASY by having a ritual that precedes your habit. For example, if you need to workout, just change into your workout clothes. If you need to read, keep the book next to your bed. If you need to stay more hydrated, have more water bottles lying around your space.

Self-care is what makes or breaks our relationship with ourselves. Start giving yourself the care you deserve! Here’s a video that extends upon the various self-care tangents that you can bring your focus towards.


#4 – Get Your Beauty Sleep. Twice a day.

Still Life, Lamb, Stuffed Animal, Self love habits, Sleep, Rest, Mental Health, Personal Development, Nap

Did you know, that a sleep-deprived person driving is more likely to have a fatal accident, versus a drunk driver?

This fact, and countless other convincing studies were shared in one of the best books I’ve read this year – Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker.

And the crux of the matter is this.

  • Yes, 8 hours a night is mandatory, and no we have NOT evolved from this necessity yet. Also, NO, sleep is NOT for the weak. The consequences of less than 8 hours a night are not limited to long-term memory loss and heart attacks. Don’t take sleep casually.
  • ATLEAST give your body 8 hours to be in bed. Please note – this doesn’t mean you are still able to sleep the required 8 hours, so be generous with yourself and maximize the time you take to wind down.
  • Taking a nap in the day significantly reduces heart problems, improves brain function and makes you feel better.

So, one of the best acts of self love you can do for yourself, is to rest. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend getting your facts straight about sleep by checking out Matthew Walker’s work on the subject.


#5 – Give your Mind Time to wander

Essential so that you can regather your thoughts, think through what has happened over the last couple of hours, and gain some clarity. When your mind is constantly running, it can become ‘saturated’ and clouded. Wandering is the quickest way to hit the refresh button.

Meditation is ofcourse one of the most organic and effective ways to relax and reset your mental energy. But it is not the only way to achieve a clear mind. Here are some other suggestions:

Meditate, Meditation, Yoga, Relaxation, Pray, Relax
  • Take a casual stroll around the block. Alone. Without using your phone. Though listening to music is absolutely fine!
  • Write it down. It doesn’t have to be a 3-page mindless rant, though Julia Cameron’s advice from the Artist’s Way is worth trying out.

    Just writing down the person/event’s name, and a few emotions that were triggered can be enough to get your mind off of things, and onto the paper. Brain dump really works!

Read More : 10 Authentic Spiritual Practices that are NOT Meditation


#6 – Educate Yourself

Let’s face it, what we learn at school is not enough. It’s about time we start taking our education in our  hands, and making our highly-stimulated, highly-potent but underused, minds count. You can pick your weapon of choice.

  • Work on a DIY project. It could be something techie like an IoT device, or a science project, or even a craft-oriented activity for the home.

    Anything that gets your mind to learn and do something unusual, so that you channel your creative energy in the process is crucial EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
art and craft, DIY, work from home inspiration, painting, colorful, paint palette, self love habits
Now doing a new DIY everyday isn’t possible, so here is the next set of suggestions, you can do everyday.
  • READ. And I don’t mean fiction. I mean read something non-fiction that gives you more direct and real insight about the world.

Related : 10 Must Read Non-Fiction Books in 2020

  • If your excuse is that you don’t “like” to read, unfortunately, it’s outdated. There are Audio Books for people that learn best by hearing, and TED Talks for the visual learners. There IS a means of learning suitable for you – find it. And use it.
  • Also, if your excuse happens to be, “I like books but I don’t have time”, there’s a solution for you. Read blogs! Most of the non-fiction book authors have their blogs – if you hear of a good book, just head to the website and see what smaller doses you can benefit from.
Book, Read, Literature, Book Pages

#7 – INVEST IN YOUR PARALLEL UNIVERSE

I am neither for, nor against the notion of making your passion a full-time career. But I am of the belief that your passion and career can co-exist.

Most of us are are doing what helps pay our bills, but seldom are we doing it with the zeal we had when we first had that ‘Corporate Orientation’. Just because our passion may never pay us its worth, we deem it worthless in today’s world.

Yet – does it stop being something your soul feels called towards?

The simplest way to overcome this mind-block is to start investing in the things you “wish” you could have been doing, had you been in a “parallel reality”. Why not make it into this reality?

Live Your Dream, Motivation, Incentive, Self Love habits, Passion, Life Purpose

Whether you are passionate about painting, writing, dancing or something else – you have to do it. Even if it’s 5 minutes a day. Start somewhere, do something that ignites the fire within again. Because somewhere, its linked with your purpose of being. And here is how you can determine your Life Purpose.

This is outside the frame of self-love. Because what I’ve come to learn is that our passion is bigger than us, the person experiencing it. 

The world is in a growing need for people doing the things they love, that’s the only way we’re going to bring the major course-correction we are in dire need of!


Concluding Thoughts

Yes, it is not easy forming new habits, and motivation can run out really quick. Especially if you work from home, it can drive you crazy if you’re not conscious about the choices you make everyday!

But the one thing that FINALLY helped me start changing my habits was James Clear’s clear approaches defined in his book, Atomic Habits.

If there is one self-help book we all need to read to really be motivated to overcome the obstacles of 2020, it is this one.

Picture credits : Pixabay.com

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7 Daily Rituals for Self-Love, Especially When You Work From HOme

Do You ‘Love Too Much’? Read this.

You’ll need to ‘see’ this post, just as much you need to ‘read’ it to understand the practical analogy for “if you love too much”.

“I do a lot for other people, but I never feel as appreciated. I feel like I love too much!”

If this sounds like you, keep reading.

Today, we’re going to use an analogy to understand what’s going on. And hopefully, how to overcome it.

NOTE: This analogy is not limited to romantic relationships. But we’re using it, because it’ll be easier to get. You’ll see what I mean!

The Rice Analogy

Imagine that you are a shopkeeper who sells rice.

Why rice, you ask? Because that’s my food of choice. I’m an Asian. Shall we proceed, now?

Okay, so.

One day, your crush comes up to you and asks you for a small bag of rice. Trying to impress, you offer her/him a medium bag. FOR THE PRICE OF A SMALL BAG.

crush, attraction, infatuation, love, relationships

She walks off happy with your extra rice and heart.

She comes back after a week. This time, she’s brought money for the medium rice. You play it cool, you only give her a medium bag of rice, just like she asked. She walks off disappointed though, and you have a feeling she’s not coming back.

“God, just please bring her back!”

You’ll ‘up’ your game the next time, you promise.
cheap, love too much, emotions

She doesn’t come back for a couple of weeks, but when she finally does, she’s with a new guy. That’s it! You’ve got to make your best move now! You hand her the large bag of rice, for the price of a medium. New guy – 0, You – 1.

As for your finances, it’s a minus 1. But love conquers all, everyone knows that! Don’t be stingy! Money is an illusion anyway. Right?

relationships, breakup, failure, heartbreak

Over time, you both begin to build a good relationship. You share a couple of laughs, have coffee and cute moments like all rice-couples probably do. You’re ‘more than friends’. Or so, you’ve started to believe.

But one day, she’s back at your shop with new guy. And now, you notice he’s got his arm around her. He isn’t new guy anymore, he’s the guy. So, in a moment of panic, you do what you do best. You place an irresistible offer.

You offer a medium bag of rice, free with the large bag, only for the cost of a large. You’re broke anyway at this point, but if you can save this relation, things will be alright.

She’s hesitant. “That’s too much”, she says. You insist that it’s for ‘old-time’s sake’. With a cordial nod, she takes the bags, and they begin to walk away.

But what’s that? She hands the free bag to her guy. Gulp.

You just got LOVE-MUGGED.
mugged, scam, failure, relationships

By this point, you’ve invested a LOT of rice in this crush. And your crush has ‘used you’, ended up crush-ing you. And all that free-loading has cost you a huge loss. You are suffering, not just emotionally, but financially too.

One day, a wealthy customer comes up to your shop. Her angelic face is a reflection of her heart of gold. This could have been the love of your life, your partner in crime, the perfect gravy to your rice.

But all the stress finally caught up with you – you’re closing down.

success, failure, loss, heartbreak, love too much, grief
Does any part of this sound familiar?

I know that it’s a crude way to look at our emotional investment in other people. But unfortunately, we can’t see love like the undervalued rice. We can’t quantify it in bags, and put a price tag on it.

And thus, because of the mistreatment and taken-for-granted relationships, so many people spend their lives doing more than they need to, for those that don’t need it, and thus don’t appreciate it.

“I will never trust/love/marry again”.

By the time life gives them a chance to form better relations, they’re emotionally depleted. Scarred for life! So many people lose their focus from work, go into depression and become victims of substance abuse.

So what’s the takeaway, and how can we overcome this?

Just because you can offer more rice, doesn’t mean the other person needs it.

In reality, the best way to check this is, if you stopped doing some of your out-of-the-way gestures, would this person even notice? Probably not.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for them. The person that’s so used to being ‘spoiled’ might throw a couple of taunts and tantrums, but trust me – they’re not going anywhere! You’ll still be happy together. And imagine what you could do now, with all that spare time/effort!

no discount, sale, self-worth, self esteem, self love, self care, love, healthy relationship boundaries

Hang out more with the people that enjoy your rice.

Ever heard the saying, “marry someone that loves you, not someone that you love”? Ofcourse you don’t have to enter a pretentious relation where you don’t feel invested, but everyone deserves security.

Whether it’s a friend or romantic interest, if you are constantly admitting that this person is ‘out of your league’, there’s a chance that your rice is made for someone else.

Don’t quit any relations, just go spend more of your time (probably saved from doing less, from the point above) with people that make you feel more loved!

love too much, relationships, stick men, analogy, cartoon, friendships, rich

Don’t close your shop. Use the rice that’s left for yourself. Take a break, and come back with a better brand.

Don’t become ‘cold-hearted’. Don’t become a raging alcoholic. And don’t change yourself!

Use solitude, traveling, new hobbies, new friendships – handle it maturely. Invest your rice, your love in YOU. And the best thing about self-love, is that unlike rice which requires more money and planning, self-love generates on its own overtime, within YOU.

love too much, relationships, stick men, analogy, cartoon, friendships,

Self-love is a whole other topic to talk about though. If you’re looking for more ideas, take a look at this video.

Concluding Thoughts

This post is dedicated to every single person that’s loved a friend or romantic partner with all their heart, and still lost.

Don’t give up, it wasn’t really a loss. You just haven’t met your kind of people yet.

Keep going 🙂

P.S. Here’s another stickmen analogy about Identity Crisis, check it out!

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Do you love TOO much? Read this cute analogy!