The 3 Types of Gratification Seekers – Which One Are You?

We all like to feel good about ourselves – about the things we have, the things we do, and so-on. Unfortunately, sometimes we go to great lengths to find this feeling of gratification.

You’ll notice all three kinds of people around you. And don’t cringe if you feel like you too fall into a category you don’t like. We have all been ‘that person’.

Understanding the underlying fear, and then tactfully dealing with it within ourselves and those around us, is the only way to true inner healing.

#1 – THE SELF-GRATIFYING

In other words, bragging

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We gratify ourselves, by boasting ourselves in front of other people.

What is the need to do this? The underlying fear is – the fear of becoming insignificant, being left-out. It is the insecurity that other people won’t notice us, won’t acknowledge us, if we don’t remind them of our glory.

Seen most in : People that are ‘trying too hard’ to stand out.

Other adjectives : smug-face, self-absorbed, smirking.

Other behaviours developed from this: Left unattended, it starts to develop into ‘superiority complex’, and over-confidence. We begin to think too high of ourselves because we’re always trying to validate ourselves infront of other people, and unfortunately undermine others.

Sometimes, we may even shoot down and invalidate other people’s success (or failure) by trying to compare with our own.

#2 – HIS/HER GRATIFICATION

Recognised as seeking validation.

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Usually seen when we feel inferior to the people around us. We directly or indirectly go to them to seek their affirmation that we have, or what we did is “approved” in society. And we try to dim our own light, change our opinion, if we don’t receive the appreciation we think we deserve.

What is the need to do this? The underlying fear is – the fear of not being good enough, being unable to trust ourselves and our judgement.

Seen most in: People trying to ‘fit-in’ and conform to their environment.

Other adjectives: people-pleasing, yes-man, doormat, etc.

Other behaviours developed from this: It becomes worse when people start going overboard by trying to get on someone’s good books. Running favours, going above and beyond to make someone like you, etc.

#3 – ULTIMATE GRATIFICATION 

This is the right balance; reflecting a healthy form of confidence, and learning to co-exist with our differences.

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This kind of behaviour says “you can be yourself, and so can I” and sometimes when things don’t click in the circle, it is the attitude of “let’s just agree to disagree”.

This will only harness in our nature, when we trust our own judgement, consider our feelings and opinion worthy (even if it doesn’t match with what society says), and at the same time aren’t fixated that there’s only one ‘right way’ for things to be.

When it comes to seeking rewards, this behaviour is achieved by knowing that the Universe is always watching over you and will compensate for anything that another human being missed. The Universe doesn’t miss a thing!

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To further explain Ultimate Gratification, I’d also like to share a quote from the Bible (I am not a preacher or Catholic, but I really resonate with this wonderful message) :

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.”

Matthew 6:2 (NIV)

Each behaviour associates with our self-esteem and our ability to appreciate our differences. While you can’t always call it out in other people, or help them, an insight of the fears that run in their subconscious can help you become more compassionate towards them.

And when it comes to ourselves, a simple reflection on which category you fall into can help you look your fears in the eye, make better choices and thus become the best version of you!

Don’t forget to share this with anyone you feel can benefit from it. 🙂

Image Courtesy : pixabay.com, shutterstock.com

Why is Detachment So Difficult?

So THIS is why we’re always finding our happiness in other people and places.

In a recent conversation with a friend, about detachment, it felt as if a rush of answers came in the newest way, bringing clarity to the topic like never before for the both of us. Sharing the conversation as is, because the dialogue may make this more relateable.

NOTE: Personal details have been omitted to maintain my friend’s privacy.

The exchange went as follows.

But now going back [to favourite place] kind of changed things too.

Which made me question my decision to go back in the first place.
Like, should we just leave good memories pristine and untouched?

Because trying to live them again by going back only sort of tarnished it for me, as I saw everything having changed and worsened.

I think we go back because we want to relive the good times and we associate that place with good times.

So going is essential if you’re SO attached, so that you can release that attachment and keep it only as a memory.
All the while knowing happiness is an inside job. Not place-bound. 

For me, [my favourite place] brought that same realisation. It was special while I was there, not after I left.

So I guess I relinquished that attachment once I returned from this trip. Which I felt is a bad thing as it’s not as special to me anymore.

Well, essentially, nothing IS special, nor should be. It’s just a means for us to experience ourselves.
Whether a place or through a relationship.

What remains special to you, is attachment.

And thus we need to experience it fully, without clouded vision to be able to detach.
Usually going back to a person, or place, helps see clearly.
Free from that Illusion.

I think I’m so unwilling to detach because having those intense feelings for something makes me feel more human? As if I’ve experienced something worthy?

Isn’t that why we all are not willing to detach? We want something to cling to while we’re here.

Detachment doesn’t invalidate your experience though.
We cling if we want to be here.
We let go if we understand we’re not meant to be here forever.

I read yesterday.. someone said..
“There’s a difference between being grateful and glad.”

So I guess the idea is to always remain grateful, even if you can’t always be glad about an experience.

It’s shifting your anchor from down here on Earth, to up there, into the universe.

I understand that.

But even people who don’t, why do you think they don’t give up attachments easily? As in, not even intentionally.

For the very reason that their anchor is on Earth.
They are too identified with their human nature to realise there’s nothing to cling on to.

The more you understand, the quicker you start to remember the truth. And start to practice it. 

Every time you see a situation that makes you cling, you are able to think from the bigger picture.

So the reason I didn’t want to let go [of favourite place], is that I made it part of my identity?

Yes.

You are limiting yourself, by saying it was the source of your happiness. Your source is inside you, that place only helped you realise it.

But instead, you started seeing that place as the Source itself, and ached to go back, instead of finding it in yourself again.

End.

Though the conversation was with regard to a place, this is true for people too. Our inability to part ways or mellow-down in relationships, stems from the fact that we start seeing them as the Source of our happiness. But speaking spiritually, our happiness comes from the Universe. And the more we cling/attach/lean-on this Universe, our true Source, the easier detachment becomes.

I am firmly beginning to believe in the power of automatic writing, or channelling – it is the wondrous blessing to connect with and tap into the universe’s wisdom, subconscious, or what have you.

It feels very real, simply for the fact that I did not know, that I knew this piece of information, until it was spoken through me. And after having been spoken, it brought me clarity and peace.

Hope this gave you the AHA-moment that it gave to us. 🙂

Can Spirituality be Faked?

This one’s always a hot topic – to believe or not to believe in the credibility of the spiritual folk?

When people that claim they are spiritual, are seen arguing, yelling or being outrageous (basically, behaving like an average human), they are deemed fake. After all, how can someone spiritual be so insensible?

But have we ever taken a moment to reflect that people don’t just become saints overnight?!

And even saints don’t necessarily have it all figured out.

When you listen to a spiritual discourse, sometimes, you’ll find the answer to your latest problem and begin to put the speaker on a pedestal. Unfortunately, as soon as we hear something questionable about this person, or observe a subtle flaw (arrogance, pride or mockery are good examples) we become clouded by the authenticity of this person speaking.

Is this just a fakir faking it?

In that, we lose our focus from the true purpose.

It shouldn’t matter who spoke to you, only that what was spoken could benefit you or not. We’re not here to judge other people’s progress. We’re here to grow conscious of our own.

Think of it in this way, our temptations are like tests of our consciousness.

A temptation to gossip. A temptation to binge. To pick a fight with someone. To create drama. And so on. And at some point in life, everyone is reintroduced to the temptations they are trying to curb, to see if they can pass the test this time around.

So if you’re not conscious, you won’t even know what’s happening, you’ll keep falling into the trap, and it’ll become a vicious cycle. If you’ve just started living consciously, you may resist for a while but give-in whenever a push comes to shove. But essentially, it is every spiritual practitioner’s endeavour to overcome this temptation.

So, you see – we’re all just on varying levels of consciousness, awareness.

And in that, spirituality, or the expansion of our consciousness is not something that can be faked. There will always be people whose temptations overshadow their wisdom, claiming they know better than they really do. But isn’t that true for every face of life – there’s always someone too smart. And I agree, it’s difficult to take such people seriously. But still, here me out.

Learn from EVERYONE. Only use your discernment to gauge the credibility of the message, not the messenger. Are you doing something because you’re placing blind faith in someone else, or because what they said made sense?

Don’t focus on the temptation, whether it’s yours or another’s – focus on the wisdom.

Picture Courtesy : pixabay.com

How Many Favors Should You Ask For, From God?

Questions, one after the other. And I’m sure, you’ve asked them too. It’s time to find some answers.

I often wonder.

Why would the Creator, the Universe, the Divine, ‘God’, who has access to everything and needs nothing that we can offer (because He IS everything) not give you what you want? What would God do by keeping everything good for Himself?

Note : I’m not declaring a gender for God, but I’m in no mood to write He/She everytime I make a reference, so let’s use He.

Is it even God, if He is some kind of sadist who enjoys seeing us ‘begging for mercy’?

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“God’s grace is only invoked through prayers, rituals, sacrifices, lighting candles, etc.”

What about the atheists? I know a few, and they don’t look miserable. God hasn’t even punished them yet, for being so bold and declaring God is non-existent.

And think of this. We’ve all met someone we can call the ‘most selfless person ever’. Then considering that God is the combination of all the highest qualities everyone has, including selflessness, does it even make sense that God would only give you something when you worship and please Her/Him with intense sacrificial rituals?

What would God get with all that glorification – who is He even competing against to prove his glory? Does God even need validation, could God be insecure?

“God needs to help other people, so maybe today’s not our turn.”

But if it’s God, if it’s the Universe, if it’s the Divine, then this is an omnipresent soul. Then there shouldn’t be a Round-Robin service, I think it should be ’round-the-clock!

But what if God gets ‘fed-up’?

Is there really a limit on how much God will do for you before He decides He’s done enough? That you’re a lost cause, and He runs off abandoning you, leaving you against this cold, heartless world, to look after yourself? What happens to such people – do they get thrown out of the Universe?

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If It Isn’t God – What Stops Us from Taking Help?

It is ego that says “I am INDEPENDENT. I will do this all by myself”.

There are people that claim they’ve never asked God for anything! There’s another growing trend of people calling themselves ‘SELF-MADE’.

So then I wonder, how much of a self-made person are you, really?

Do you harvest your own food? Stitch your own clothes from the cotton growing in your backyard? Grow your own trees for the all your well-carved furniture? You know where I’m going with this.

You see – no matter how hard you try, you cannot be a self-sufficient ecosystem. We were never made to do unnecessary heavy-lifting, we are here to come together with our unique qualities and simply help each other grow towards our Oneness with the Universe.

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By being ‘self-sufficient’ and never asking for help, who are we even trying to prove a point to?

I am not preaching here, because I came from the same mindset of self-sufficiency. And it was this huge blockage that disconnected me. After all, I was saying I am separate, and therefore I must take care of myself separately. How can such a person experience Oneness?

And finally, if you can get help and make your life move faster, why aren’t you doing that?

*Ba Dum Tss*

So What Now?

If you are looking for some comfort after having your perspective a little rattled, you should know that we are always, constantly being helped and looked after. But because things are manifesting behind the scenes, instead of counting our blessings, we’re usually questioning its occurrence at all.

The Universe is NOT beating a drum for you, every time it helps. Would you have preferred that instead? Would have been kind of annoying, honestly. We must admire it working in a wondrous silence.

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But then there are moments in life, when we are met by Divine Intervention. We know in that moment, “this couldn’t have been by chance, this wasn’t ME. This was something much bigger, more powerful”.

In retrospect, we can always agree that things worked out for the best. Why? Simply because things were working in your favor, even when you didn’t think so.

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You Are NOT Helpless; You Are a Co-creator!

So what I’m trying to put out there, is that the Universe is always working for you, whether you ask for it or not. YOU can make your life much more better, and more meaningful, if you let go of your guilt of asking for too much, or trying to figure everything out on your own, and instead working with the Universe to co-create a reality that better suits your human experience.

Now that you know this, only one question remains, “slow-motion, or accelerated living?”

Choice is yours! 😉

Picture courtesy: pixabay

Do You ‘Love Too Much’?

You’ll need to ‘see’ this post, just as much you need to ‘read’ it. Wait for the pictures to load!

“I do a lot for other people, but I never feel as appreciated.”

If this sounds like you, keep reading.

Today, we’re going to use an analogy to understand what’s going on. And hopefully, how to overcome it.

NOTE: This analogy is not limited to romantic relationships. But we’re using it, because it’ll be easier to get. You’ll see what I mean!

Imagine that you are a shopkeeper who sells rice.

Why rice, you ask? Because that’s my food of choice. I’m an Asian. Shall we proceed, now?

Okay, so.

One day, your crush comes up to you and asks you for a small bag of rice. Trying to impress, you offer her/him a medium bag. FOR THE PRICE OF A SMALL BAG.

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She walks off happy with your extra rice and heart.

She comes back after a week. This time, she’s brought money for the medium rice. You play it cool, you only give her a medium bag of rice, just like she asked. She walks off disappointed though, and you have a feeling she’s not coming back.

“God, just please bring her back!”

You’ll ‘up’ your game the next time, you promise.

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She doesn’t come back for a couple of weeks, but when she finally does, she’s with a new guy. That’s it! You’ve got to make your best move now! You hand her the large bag of rice, for the price of a medium. New guy – 0, You – 1.

As for your finances, it’s a minus 1. But love conquers all, everyone knows that! Don’t be stingy! Money is an illusion anyway. Right?

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Over time, you both begin to build a good relationship. You share a couple of laughs, have coffee and cute moments like all rice-couples probably do. You’re ‘more than friends’. Or so, you’ve started to believe.

But one day, she’s back at your shop with new guy. And you realize, he’s got his arm around her. He isn’t new guy anymore, he’s the guy. In a moment of panic, you do what you do best. You place an irresistible offer. You offer a medium bag of rice, free with the large bag, only for the cost of a large. You’re broke anyway at this point, but if you can save this relation, things will be alright.

She’s hesitant. “That’s too much”, she says. You insist that it’s for ‘old-time’s sake’. With a cordial nod, she takes the bags, and they begin to walk away.

But what’s that? She hands the free bag to her guy. Gulp. You just got LOVE-MUGGED.

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By this point, you’ve invested a LOT of rice in this crush. And your crush has ‘used you’, ended up crush-ing you. And all that free-loading has cost you a huge loss. You are suffering, not just emotionally, but financially too.

One day, a wealthy customer comes up to your shop. Her angelic face is a reflection of her heart of gold. This could have been the love of your life, your partner in crime, the perfect gravy to your rice.

But all the stress finally caught up with you – you’re closing down.

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Does any part of this sound familiar?

I know that it’s a crude way to look at our emotional investment in other people. But unfortunately, we can’t see love like the undervalued rice. We can’t quantify it in bags, and put a price tag on it.

And thus, because of the mistreatment and taken-for-granted relationships, so many people spend their lives doing more than they need to, for those that don’t need it, and thus don’t appreciate it.

“I will never trust/love/marry again”.

By the time life gives them a chance to form better relations, they’re emotionally depleted. Scarred for life! So many people lose their focus from work, go into depression and become victims of substance abuse.

So what’s the takeaway, and how can we overcome this?

Just because you can offer more rice, doesn’t mean the other person needs it.

In reality, the best way to check this is, if you stopped doing some of your out-of-the-way gestures, would this person even notice? Probably not.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for them. The person that’s so used to being ‘spoiled’ might throw a couple of taunts and tantrums, but trust me – they’re not going anywhere! You’ll still be happy together. And imagine what you could do now, with all that spare time/effort!

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Hang out more with the people that enjoy your rice.

Ever heard the saying, “marry someone that loves you, not someone that you love”? Ofcourse you don’t have to enter a pretentious relation where you don’t feel invested, but everyone deserves security.

Whether it’s a friend or romantic interest, if you are constantly admitting that this person is ‘out of your league’, there’s a chance that your rice is made for someone else.

Don’t quit any relations, just go spend more of your time (probably saved from doing less, from the point above) with people that make you feel more loved!

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Don’t close your shop. Use the rice that’s left for yourself. Take a break, and come back with a better brand.

Don’t become ‘cold-hearted’. Don’t become a raging alcoholic. Don’t change yourself!
Use solitude, traveling, new hobbies, new friendships – handle it maturely. Invest your rice, your love in YOU. And the best thing about self-love, is that unlike rice which requires more money and planning, self-love generates on its own overtime, within YOU.

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Self-love is a whole other topic to talk about though. If you’re looking for more ideas, take a look at this video.

This post is dedicated to every single person that’s loved a friend or romantic partner with all their heart, and still lost.

Don’t give up, it wasn’t really a loss. You just haven’t met your kind of people yet.

Keep going 🙂