Dealing With Passive Aggressive Behaviour From Loved Ones

I recently got into a heated debate with a loved one which then led to a very passive aggressive comment from them. It left a sour taste in my mouth. And so later, I sat down to see what had triggered me. This led to some interesting observations, a deeper understanding of the human mind and the discovery of new frameworks.

Here are some learnings and statements I have added in my toolkit to manage any potential passive aggressive dialog in the future.

Caveat: I would not say any of these things if I knew that the person didn’t truly care about me or wasn’t capable of change/self-reflection.

I’m offering these because you may have a loved one that becomes passive aggressive with you and it puts a dent on your relationship. Feel free to adapt them, and if you’d like, drop a comment below with your variations and thoughts around this!

What is a passive aggressive comment?

It’s an otherwise positive or neutral comment that becomes offensive/mocking because of tone.

For example: all the spiritual books you read and classes you attend make you sound so wise. When said with a passive aggressive tone, the person can sound like they are mocking the wisdom that comes from spiritual resources.

We’ll be using this example throughout the article to explore solutions.

Understanding the psychology of passive aggressive comments 

In a situation of conflict, people feel vulnerable and they have different ways to deal with it: 

• they might try to avoid conflict by trying to pacify the situation or changing the topic (peacekeepers)
• they might double down on their tone/directness in desperation to prove they’re right
• they might use sarcasm or passive hostility to one-up the other person or have the “last say”
• actually being honest about feeling vulnerable & choosing to remain open anyway

We may all do one or a combination of these things. It’s just the way we humans roll.

So, next time we hear a passive aggressive tone, let’s remember, it’s a coping pattern. It’s a direct reflection of how uncomfortable someone is feeling with their emotions in this situation. Of course, it doesn’t justify how hurtful it can be, but it can create less defensiveness at our end when we understand where it’s coming from.

5 Ways to Deal with Passive Aggressive Comments From A Loved One

1. Idea: bring it back to feelings versus focusing on the contents of discussion.

You were being reasonable a minute ago. Now you’re just being hurtful. Is that your intention?

2. Idea: acknowledge the shut-down that happens in a conversation when passive aggression enters 

Why don’t you share how you really feel about this? This conversation can’t go anywhere if we’re not willing to be real with each other.

3. Idea: identify the deeper desire

What I’m hearing is, (insert true statement, example- you don’t think the books I’m reading are helping me make a wise decision in this situation). Thank you for your opinion. I wish you could say that more directly. I don’t appreciate passive aggressive comments because they feel like mockery and I know that’s not what you want for me.

4. Idea: take the power away by owning the statement 

I will always choose (insert comment, example – reading books) because (your core values, examples – I am willing to get better). What I don’t expect from this choice is (insert the limitation in their statement, example, perfectionism).

5. Idea: boundaries

I understand that you feel hurt but I’m not here to be your punching bag. You can share your feelings but you have no right to hurt mine with such passive aggressive comments. If you’d like to continue having a meaningful conversation, please be respectful or I will have to end this here.

Related read: boundaries for recovering people-pleasers

Concluding Thoughts

It is worth noting here that vulnerability is hard for everyone. Especially in a situation where we have differing opinions that can seem like a “clash”.

And no matter how far along we are in our journey, we all reach a point where we get too uncomfortable and use tactics to be protect and shield our tender hearts. I hope this helps humanize someone that’s hurting us with their words – knowing they are hurt first.

When we call forward these patterns for others, sure, it can be confrontational and put them in a more uncomfortable position. But it creates space for deeper dialogue because it also tells the other person, “I see you”.

Granted: it does take a bit of fire to have these conversations! If you’re a peacekeeper or avoid conflict, and want to explore deeper connections through vulnerability, let’s talk. I’m here to support you with all things relationship and life purpose.

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