Our happiness in a relationship is directly proportional to how often our needs are acknowledged and met. I’ve been in situations where I felt really clingy or needy, and I wish someone was there to tell me that it wasn’t so. My needs were valid. And my frustration and clinginess was because my needs weren’t being taken care of. Recently, during two of my sessions (both, surprisingly, on the same day, one after the other), I had the opportunity to share an analogy with my clients to help them look at their needs not being met through an empowering lens.
Seeing the instant relief on their faces made it clear to me that this analogy has the potential to help more people.
Also, given the synchronistic nature of sharing it twice over the span of a few hours, I felt the hunch to create an article and share the reflections with a wider audience. So here we are. Let’s dive right in.
The Analogy of Carrots
So imagine that you have a garden in your backyard where you grow different types of vegetables. And your loved one lives across from your house, growing a combination of other fruits and vegetables.
One day, you feel like eating carrots. But you don’t grow carrots in your backyard. So you go to your loved one across the street, and you say to them, I’m really craving some carrots today! Do you have any?
Let’s explore the loved one’s response through four different scenarios:
#1 – They are amused and scoff at you. Who in their right mind eats carrots?!
As you see their reaction, you feel like you don’t belong. Like they don’t understand you and that, somehow, you’re inferior to them for having a different preference.
When we get caught up in the dynamic of our needs being judged, scoffed at, or dismissed, it can feel like gaslighting. In other words, we begin to lose our sense of judgment, start second-guessing our decisions, and shut down our unique ways of moving through life. I’ve seen so many clients who don’t know what they want from their lives because they’ve experienced so much criticism for their choices in the past. Healing from extreme cases of this is a slow and gentle process that requires a lot of patience as we rebuild our self-worth.
Do you want to know what the truth is here? Yes, this person doesn’t see the reason for having carrots in their diet. But clearly, that reason comes from a place of inflated ego (superiority complex), which leads them to judge carrots (and people who eat them). So when they respond to you like that, it’s important that you understand that they are projecting their biased belief system onto you. It doesn’t mean it’s the truth or that you have to agree. Or even that you’re “less than” in any way.
The moral of this story: The simple fact that you need carrots makes your need valid and carrots valuable.
Reflection prompts: Who does this remind you of in your life? What need(s) have they dismissed every time you’ve expressed them? Can you allow yourself to need whatever you need, without shame or guilt, and recognize that they’re just not the right person to support you? Can you instead think of another person who understands the need for carrots and might also help you find them?
#2 – They question why you don’t grow your own carrots.
They may either roll their eyes and make you feel like a burden for taking carrots from them. Or they may rant about how dependent you are, maybe even judging you as needy, clingy or lazy. Bottom line: they’re doing you a huge favour and making sure you know that.
There’s something to be said about the overemphasis on being independent or self-made. Ironically, we are biologically designed to exist in communities and gatherings. We are not meant to do everything by ourselves. If anything, hyper-independence is a type of trauma response.
The fact is, our needs are constantly evolving, and so is our nervous system. One day, it might feel easy to get up early and go for a workout, do really well at work, and then even go to an evening dinner with family or friends. On another day, you might need to take the day off to just sleep in and eat because you’re so burnt out. On that day (or any other day), you aren’t meant to carry your weight alone; you are allowed to ask for all the help you need.
And someone who feels so burdened with helping us is displaying the signs of a potentially overstretched nervous system themselves. Or, they carry unhelpful beliefs about receiving help (imagine how hard they’d judge themselves in their head, for being at the receiving end of a favour) that don’t make this exchange feel safe.
The moral of this story: just because, in theory, you can take care of something by yourself doesn’t make you a weak or lazy person for asking for support. Give yourself permission to receive without it meaning anything bad about you.
Reflection prompts: Who does this scenario remind you of? What need(s) did they criticize and make it seem that you were being a burden or that you were being lazy/needy/etc? Can you allow yourself to need help without shame or guilt and recognize that they’re just not the right person to support you? Can you instead think of another person who will share their carrots with you without making a fuss?
#3 – They tell you that they don’t have carrots, but they highly recommend zucchini!
This can go either way: you feel disappointed not to find carrots, but go ahead and take the zucchini for a test run instead.
Or, because they tend to always do this, giving you irrelevant advice as if they know you better than you know yourself, you may feel an aversion to their seemingly helpful yet unhelpful response. This is a natural, psychological response from your end called reactance. It occurs when we no longer feel understood, safe or in control of our autonomy around someone.
But here’s the thing: such people are usually our well-wishers who really do want to help us. But they’re not walking on the path that we’re on. So, it can often be hard for them to relate to us. Such people may try to guide us with their worldview by giving unsolicited advice, trying to redirect us towards a different path, or even scolding us and saying things like “I told you so” when we don’t have instant success in our unique endeavours.
I’ve faced this a lot when transitioning out of my corporate job and into this less-traversed path of life coaching and writing. The same can be said about navigating my spiritual awakening – it wasn’t making sense to near and dear ones, but it clearly was made to make sense for me!
The moral of this story: not everyone who wishes well for you will be able to help you. Don’t stop looking.
Reflection prompts: Who does this remind you of in your life? What need(s) do they not understand and try to redirect you away from? Can you see they don’t wish you ill, but they’re also probably not a part of your core team in this realm? Who can you bring on board instead to help you meet your needs?
#4 – They don’t have carrots, but they introduce you to their next-door neighbour, who actually does!
These are the best kind of people! Because they understand everyone has different needs, AND they are deeply self-aware enough to know when they can’t be a direct contributor to our differing needs. This self-awareness also makes them super resourceful – they’re usually able to redirect us to someone who might be able to help instead.
Now, let’s focus on something important here. Even the best-intended, self-aware people may not always have a referral for us. For instance, I’ve been at a total loss of words as one of my clients struggles to free her impounded car in a country where she doesn’t even speak the language and is in danger of losing her vehicle altogether. And yet, here’s the beauty in all of this (and also, the moral).
The moral of this story: when we know our need is valid and that even though we don’t have a way to meet it right now, it doesn’t mean we are unworthy of it or that the Universe hates us….. the Universe really does show up for us. It’s called the law of divine compensation. It’s a beautiful metaphysical law that reminds us that the Universe is always course-correcting. And that it’s going to find the quickest way to give us what we truly need.
In my client’s case, as we helped her heal the shame and anger she was feeling towards herself, the Universe stepped in and sent her a lawyer! This happened out of the blue, through a long-lost classmate that she happened to bump into on the street.
Another caveat: if you don’t get what you need for a while, reevaluate what that need really is. In the following video, I share personal life examples and discuss how I shifted that.
Reflection prompts: Who has been a resourceful friend in your situation? Maybe they knew the answer, or they knew someone else who could help you. Can you take a moment to express your heartfelt gratitude to this person who validated your needs and empowered you to meet them?
Grieving Over People That Will Never Understand Us
As we complete the analogy, I want to acknowledge the emotions that we might feel as we begin to realize that some people who we thought were our core tribe will never truly understand us.
Please allow yourself to feel sad or even grieve the relationships that you never had.
Sometimes, we are left in a state of limbo where we don’t really have the right people to support us, but we’re also unwilling to be with the “wrong” ones. This can be isolating, and I just want you to know that you’re not really alone. Countless online communities (including this space) are here to embrace you for who you are! And there are strangers who will eventually become your core tribe and support you in ways that even your current, closest loved one can’t. I say this from lived experience.
It’s also understandable if you feel angry with yourself for not being in better relationships, even though you may be aware of the limitations this creates for you.
At the same time that your anger arises, please also give room to self-compassion. It takes enormous courage to decondition ourselves out of unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Lastly, please know that in the grand scheme of things, we are ALL here to walk each other home.
Even the dismissive or abusive ones have a soul contract with us, in which it is our responsibility to realize our self-worth by healing whatever shadows we are caught in so that we no longer tolerate being seen as anything less than divine.
Here’s to waking up the divine in all of us.
Some Metaphysics: How Karma Plays a Role In All Of This
Wait… before I let you go, here’s one more reflection.
When the people above aren’t helping us in meeting our needs, what is the spiritual consequence for them?
Or, let’s say the roles were to be reversed: Someone came to you seeking help. Would you feel obliged to say yes because you don’t want to disappoint them? And if we think along the lines of spirituality, do we incur “bad debt” when we turn people away?
I recently made a video (shared below) on the subject that you may enjoy watching.
In the video, I talk about the crucial difference between saying no from a place of judgment or over-responsibility versus saying no from a place of being self-aware and resourceful. The bottom line in the video above is that upsetting someone isn’t the cause of karmic debt. Ironically, our inability to place boundaries creates debt!
Concluding Thoughts
First, I LOVE baby carrots and could not have picked a more personalized example for this analogy! However, if you don’t like carrots, feel free to substitute them for whatever you like as you read the analogy.
On a less silly note, I hope this analogy reminds you how important your unique needs and journey are. I also hope it gives you the motivation to change your environment so that you stop feeling like your needs are not being met.
Last but not least, please understand that some of this takes time and intention and may even require professional support to help us improve our self-worth. I am here as one of those professionals and would be honoured to be your coach if you’re looking for someone to help you address the deeper wounds. You can use my calendar below to set up a time or drop me an email and get in touch.
Vasundhra is the Founder & Writer of My Spiritual Shenanigans. After seeing 11:11 on the clock one fateful night, her life turned around. Ever since, she has been blending modern psychology and ancient spirituality, to help herself and people around the world elevate the quality of their lives.
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