What Reparenting Means & 5 Ways to Heal Your Inner Child Wounds

How can reparenting help your daily life? Why is it important to heal your inner child wounds? What are some tips & tricks? Read this!

Inner Child Healing has been a big part of my journey over the past couple of years. And the process through which it’s done, called reparenting, has not only helped me see my behaviors and patterns, it has helped me release them from the root and evolve much more rapidly.

While going to a therapist or coach is the conventional way to work on your inner child wounds, a lot of the healing activities require you to pursue them consistently, by yourself.

So it’s worth knowing about the tools you can apply in day-to-day life. And then if and when you’re ready, work on deeper wounds with a professional.

Let’s begin with understanding this word reparenting first – something that you’ll commonly hear about throughout your inner child work.

What is Reparenting?

I will explain this to you with a few examples from personal experiences.

When I started sitting with my ‘mother wounds’, it felt like opening Pandora’s box of grudges against my mom! And I realized one thing. The young version of me had a lot of issues in how she was treated by her elders.

Why would you hold my arms and force me to eat?

Years later, I found out that I was a difficult kid to feed. I wouldn’t sit still when I was eating, and I would be full even before I had a few bites. I had a small appetite and a fussiness towards when I wanted to be fed.

Back in the days, my mom succumbed to a spinal injury after a life-threatening accident. She could no longer chase me. So holding my hands and gripping me close to her was her only way to feed me. Her last resort would be to scare me with the tale of calling the cops if I didn’t eat.

It amuses me now when I remember it! But it taught me that she was just doing her best and that there wasn’t any malice in intention, like my inner child’s mind had made up.

woman carrying baby at beach during sunset, parent wounds, healing your inner child with reparenting
Why did I have to study so much? Why wasn’t I allowed to watch Harry Potter or go on school trips like the other kids?

I had newly moved to India in between my academic years, and the only way I could catch-up with the curriculum was to spend extra hours studying after school. Even then, it took me many years to be able to adapt to the Indian education system, which led to other inner child wounds.

Plus my immunity wasn’t strong, which already led to many days off from school. So it was the only way I could have been protected – by not exposing me to potentially unhygienic conditions that come from group travel.

Tough love makes more sense now, but it didn’t back then.

Why were you so strict when I was growing up, always asking me to do things the way you wanted them to be done?

Because it was the right thing to do. Today, I’m not fussy about my veggies. I don’t mind making my bed, squeezing in the backseat when there’s too many people in the car, or serving food to a guest before eating first.

I’m flexible and disciplined in many areas in life where peers have thrown a fuss – it’s all thanks to my mother. Of course, there’s much room for improvement, which is why reparenting plays a role. But we’ll talk more about that shortly.

Who Is Right or Wrong In Inner Child Work?

In the age that these things happened, they mattered a lot to me. My experience wasn’t wrong because every person has the right to their own emotions and reactions. But at the end of the day, my perception was limited to myself. I wasn’t able to see the whole picture.

So while I had the right to feel upset, I wouldn’t have felt upset in the first place had I been able to grasp why things happened. Now, this doesn’t mean I was being selfish – at the end, a child can only perceive so much.

However, it means that as an adult, I am required to think beyond that child’s limited point of view and cater to my wounds with a more mature approach.

But until I didn’t understand my role in my healing, things effected how I related to my family. And because my personality was that of a quiet and sincere child at the time, I became a rebel as I grew up.

I started reacting, and overreacting as a teenager. I had tantrums and mood swings.

Even years into my twenties, I noticed a love-hate relationship. I was triggered quite easily. Because subconsciously, I was still hurting.

But on the surface I couldn’t understand why, because by the age of 25, I could easily talk about everything with my parents. They were best friends to me! Then why did I have my mood inconsistencies towards them?

This is what finally helped me. Reparenting my wounded inner child.

I stepped into my shoes AND my parents’ shoes. I took care of my inner child exactly in the way my younger self wanted to be taken care of, while integrating my mother’s and father’s perspective into the process too.

blue jeans

So, reparenting is not only giving your younger self their childhood back by fulfilling their desires. It’s about bringing closure to the events that trigger you because of anything that happened or continues to happen around your parents, siblings, teachers, peers and more.

Reparenting is the process of being your own parent, and finding your own blend of self-love and tough-love.

After understanding the hurt within, my dynamic changed drastically and I was able to show up for everyone around me with a lot more compassion and love. Especially my dearest momma and papa.

As a side note, I’ve written a small ode to my mom, for some of the lessons she has taught me.

These were the things I’ve taken for granted all this while but can now see transparently, because I am no longer hurt. That is the power of reparenting – the process of being your own parent and nurturing your inner child.

How Does Reparenting Your Inner Child Wounds Help In Daily Life?

Here are just some of the experiences, benefits and results that me and my clients have seen from inner child healing.

#1 – You gain Emotional Intelligence.

Many of us are told not to cry as a child, or that getting angry is wrong. So, we suppress these feelings and over the years forget how to express them at all.

man person people emotions, emotional intelligence from reparenting your inner child wounds

Some people may have nervous breakdowns later-on, in their adult life. Or they’ll experience bursts of rage and be ashamed of overreacting. All because the emotions are pent up over many years and many circumstances, and now are desperately seeking an outlet.

Anger and sadness are two powerful emotions that can and should be channelled properly. Once you work on inner child healing, it becomes much easier for you let these emotions gracefully pass out of your system.

#2 – You increase your ability to love yourself.

I can’t tell you about the number of times I’ve had a client tell me they’re too hard on themselves! It’s common for us to expect more from ourselves but sometimes, this expectation becomes toxic.

When we’re so hard on ourselves all the time, its natural that we feel uncomfortable being alone. We don’t like our own company!

young troubled woman using laptop at home

But there’s always a reason that we’ve picked up responses from, like
why am I so dumb!
can’t I ever do anything on time?!
why does nobody love me?!
can I ever get anything right in the first try?!
why does nothing ever work my way!

And so on. Our dialogue with ourself is highly self-critical and can lead to a poor sense of self-esteem. We may learned to think this way due to an external factor, like some of the stories I shared before. But eventually, it becomes our own story.

Healing your inner child helps you see that story and change it. Then, it becomes easier to practice the trendy things like self-love and self-care when you genuinely take care of the parts of you that have been hurting for so long.

And through the reparenting process, you’re able to develop a completely new relationship with your needs – no longer putting them on hold for a few more decades!

#3 – You give yourself permission to be carefree.

I’ve had every single inner child discussion lead to one conclusion – we need to stop being so uptight.

inner child healing, carefree children, reparenting

It is easy as adults to be confined under norms and rules. So much so that we forget how to be playful, and we’re constantly in work-mode. But once you start tapping into the energy of reparenting yourself, that spark returns.

On the other hand, I’ve had a few clients reverse their procrastination and moodiness into actually being able to show up for their work and make tangible progress towards their daily goals.

These are two ends of the same spectrum – doing what’s necessary but knowing when to stop.

#4 – You stop feeling helpless and become much more independent.

Once you understand that you can still give yourself the joy of a piano lesson or eating a giant chocolate bar in one seating, it becomes easier to take accountability for one’s happiness.

action carefree cropland daylight

You are no longer as dependent on your friends or loved ones to make you feel happy.

Therefore, through reparenting, you stop feeling helpless and dejected because you begin to move inwards and give yourself that joy. You become much more self-dependent versus codependent.

#5 – You become more authentic.

When you’re tuned in to your needs, you are able to pursue them as ‘needs’ and not ‘wants’. This helps you express yourself better. And when you begin validating your rights and place in life, it becomes easier to set healthier relationship boundaries as well.

You are also able to dissolve conflicts better, and say what you feel without losing your mind in an argument.

Eventually, you become more natural and easy-going to be around. And you aren’t as obsessed with people-pleasing or insecurity-based tendencies because you truly step into your power with all the inner work you do.

You understand what it means now, to love too much, and are able to overcome that by first giving yourself the nurturing qualities you seek from others. By the beautiful and mystical ways of the universe, the more you’re able to do that, the more people around you are inclined to be good to you!

How Does Reparenting Your Inner Child Wounds Help Your Spiritual Journey?

One metaphysical aspect is that reparenting helps you connect with the pure and eternal part of your inner child – your soul. This is the aspect that speak to you through your inner child to help you reconnect with God and bring you simple yet profound guidance when you’re stuck in an ‘adult-life’ crisis.

angels, higher self, spiritual image, healing, divine light

As beneficial as other spiritual and personal development courses are, I also believe that you are missing a fundamental part of yourself until you’ve made peace with your wounded inner child.

Sure, past life regression can heal your previous incarnations, and using Reiki, tarots and crystals can bring you tremendous healing at an energy level. But some of the deepest rooted wounds, behaviors and tendencies actually originate from our childhood, from this lifetime.

This is because when we’re growing up, we are the most vulnerable and thus most susceptible to getting hurt. So working on these wounds is integral, if you want to get over the small stuff fast and like I said before – evolve rapidly.

Are there any challenges when working on reparenting?

There are a few hiccups that you will learn to overcome. But I do want to mention them.

The first challenge is that you might experience many ups and downs. On some days, you might feel worse before you feel better.

As innocent as a child is, they go through quite a bit of emotional turbulence. You may discover that you’re holding many grudges and initially resent the very people you’re trying to heal your past with. It can temporarily create more duality in your relationships or make you experience deep sadness and loneliness.

This is natural and will pass, as you learn to open your heart again, in deeper ways.

However, if you’re someone that’s not ready to experience emotional waves, you may want to hold back on deeper inner child healing and instead focus on the lighter aspects, like learning how to be carefree and having more fun in life.

The second hiccup is the resistance to let go of old patterns.

Some aspects of our ego refuse to be healed. Maybe because we are unwilling to take accountability for how we feel, or that we are just not ready to let go of something.

Sometimes, you may even change an old behavior. But because you’ve been doing it for so long, it will keep coming back when you’re challenged. Then, it can almost feel like you’ve hit a plateau.

In such cases, people can feel low or like they’re incapable of change. It might lead to thinking that inner child work is not for them. It’s best to remain aware of this resistance and continue working on it subtly until it loosens its grip.

For these reasons, inner child work is a deeply intimate space of healing that should be done when you’re ready to open the pandora box.

But as I always say – you went through it once already, and now you have decades worth of more experience to go through it again. This time, to free yourself of it, once and for all.

5 Ways to Reparent and Heal Your Inner Child

#1 – Tap into the energy of your inner child.

One of the easiest ways to do that is through kid’s television. I love singing an old favorite cartoon rhyme like Barney’s song! Even watching a few episodes of Blue’s Clues gets me into the childlike headspace.

engage with inner child through cartoons

You can even look through old childhood photographs, or practice basic journaling techniques like the ones I shared in this article.

When you’re ready, you can eventually progress into more advanced journaling, hypnotherapy and visualizations – all modules taught within the workshops I conduct.

#2 – Express Yourself Like A Child

Ever noticed how a child doesn’t conceal their feelings? If a child is happy, you’ll know. If a child is angry, you and everyone in one-mile radius will know! Jokes aside, the best thing about being so open and vulnerable about your feelings, is that you don’t carry them into the future.

The best example is when two kids that were fighting a day ago will be laughing and having a great time together the next day. Why can’t us adults do that!

two kids playing beside glass windows, reparenting your inner child through expressing your emotions

Allow yourself to express negative emotions like anger and sadness unapologetically. This is one thing I teach extensively, so you can always get in touch for more support.

#3 – Do Things Your Inner Child Always Wanted to

Many of our childhood passions were not potential career choices, and we were swayed away from them. Sometimes they were distracting our education. At other times, we couldn’t afford them, or our elders simply found them as a waste of time.

But a big part of inner child work, is walking down those half-explored paths and seeing what unfolds this time.

Whether it’s practicing art at the age of 40, or taking bike lessons at the age of 60, it’s never too late. It can even be a hobby like building a coin collection, or writing poetry. There are countless communities out there that support and encourage you to pursue your childhood dreams as adults.

The more you do this, the more fulfilled your past self will be. And you’ll be able to collect those missing pieces and complete the puzzle of your life.

#4 – Play With Other Children

I don’t just mean toddlers or infants, which in itself is a great way to reconnect with your inner child. I also mean play with the inner child of another person!

baby touching woman s face

For instance, my husband and I love to play boardgames. And it surely brings out our inner child when we’re being sore losers! 🙂

In the same way, you can encourage your friends and family to do something fun that helps bring their inner child out.

#5 – Practice talking to yourself.

It can be strange at first, but simply checking in with yourself and asking the following questions can really help you in getting to know your needs better.
Why are you feeling upset?
– Who made you feel that way in the past?
– How did that effect you back then?
– How would you like to feel now?

– What can you do to overcome this the right way this time?

As you begin having such conversations with yourself, you’ll notice flashbacks of memories going way back into your childhood. And it’ll become easier to realize where the root was for a certain belief system, how it impacted you, and how you can overcome it now.

Professional Help For Reparenting Your Inner Child

I’d be lying if I said I did all this on my own. I’m a well-read person but even then, self-help books can only take you so far. At some point, you begin to crave a connection with someone at the same wavelength who can guide you through the journey.

It took me 2 years to find my first spiritual coach, and she became a mentor in no-time. I went to her for one problem, but ended up exploring a totally different side of myself.

If you want your personal development to not be linear (or even stagnant), consider the possibility of getting help.

I love working with people, and have dedicated my life’s purpose to this path. If you feel inspired to, you’re welcome to setup one-on-one time with me and get support for your self-discovery journey!

Concluding Thoughts

I thought it’d be interesting to bring all of us adults together, so that our inner child interacts and makes new spiritual friends! For that, I’m throwing a virtual party this month, something along the lines of a spiritual Halloween.

If that sounds like something you’d want to join, just drop me a note for details. Let’s all bring our inner child out to play, this October!

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Divine Intervention Stories (#3): Spirit Animals & Their Spiritual Guidance

What are spirit animals? How do they guide our day to day life? Here are some heartwarming stories to help you tap into their wisdom!

Spirit Animals have long been revered by cultures around the world as our divine messengers from the ‘beyond’. Many groups and cultures around the world, like Shamanism and the Aboriginals, work closely with nature and seek God in every aspect of it.

In the Tibetan society, people will walk lengths to pull a fly out of their tea, for it could mean their dead ancestor is drowning! Such is the respect and belief in spirit animals and their powers.

Recently, I was floored to see how even a Disney movie like Mulan talks about the phoenix and its spiritual guidance along her endeavors to save the kingdom!

What is the importance of spirit animals in our daily life?

As you and I evolve and deepen our awareness in the spiritual journey, our ability to observe synchronicities is also improving. And in that, one type of divine guidance from the universe is coming to us through the animal kingdom.

It’s been a few years since I first learned about the term animal totem.

And now, just like I don’t take 11:11 on the clock casually, I take felines, canines and other animals very seriously.

So seriously, I wrote a book about it!

But what’s so special about animals? A LOT.

To begin with, spirit animals represent many qualities and strengths that we need to overcome our current challenges. And when our spirit animals walk by our side, they not only provide us that strength, they remind us that we have all that it takes to get through this.

In their own unique ways, based on when we saw them, what they were doing, and what we were going through, spirit animals can reveal a lot to us about this mystical universe and its divine plan for us!

So today, I want you to experience this magic not just from my angle, but that of three other amazing souls.

Receiving Divine Guidance From Spirit Animals

Here are 3 times spirit animals came forth and made a lasting impression on these spiritual seekers.

#1 – Divine Messages From The Cat & The Butterfly

It’s an honor to be able share this story from one of my client’s recent experiences. Though it was a tragic time for her, it materialized into one of the greatest signs of divine intervention – directly bringing her in contact with the spiritual realm! Here’s her story.

“Earlier in July, our beautiful cat Lilly (Tiger Lilly) passed. She had an illness that slowly took our sweet girl away from us day by day, and eventually we had to let her go on a rainy Monday afternoon. It was heart-breaking and I cried holding her for an hour afterwards.

On that Monday and in the following days and weeks, we received signs of her being around. But I want to share something quite amazing that happened after we spoke a few words over her grave.

We had decided to bury Lilly in our garden. And after a week or so, we planted a butterfly plant on the top, because she used to love jumping and chasing them when she was a little younger. I thought it would be a lovely reminder of her healthier, active days.

Mark, my husband had wanted to read William Blake’s Tyger, Tyger.

I can’t put into words what it felt like, but the two of us talking to Lilly felt so real. Like she was there, and I felt that the universe was listening.

It was my turn next, I wanted to be as honest as I could. I told her all the things that were in my heart, that we loved her, that we were sorry we could not save her. And I finished by saying could she come and see us often.

We stood up. And in three or four strides Mark was already back entering the house, when I saw the most beautiful butterfly come flying over the fence into the garden and land on the Buddleia plant. We had had only white cabbage and the odd tortoiseshell butterflies landing on it previously.

Mark came out and we took photos.

Butterfly as a spirit animal, meaning of seeing a butterfly, spirit animals
Actual image of the butterfly sitting in their garden, post the cat’s funeral

I asked him to look up its name, because I had had a previous hope to see a particular Moth, named after my Tiger Lilly. I had a feeling this was it, but I waited for Mark to say it. It was a Tiger Moth.

We had never seen one before. Not in my 10 years of living here, nor have we since.

To me this was my confirmation. This was what I had been waiting for, I had hoped for something against the odds, and received it.

We cried with happiness as it flew around Marks head, and came into our house. It stayed on the inside of our door post, which was a wise decision because we have other cats! It stayed in our garden for the whole of the afternoon and then vanished. I kind of knew it was not going to come back.

I hope this gives you hope as it does me.”

#2 – Divine Messages From The Dog

This happened with my friend, and I hope his story gives you goosebumps! Here it is.

“Tuza came into my life when I was 5 years old. I loved ever so much throughout my childhood, and felt a close connection to her. Almost as if she was a person not a dog. I would talk to her, sit with her, sleep with her on my bed…she was my best friend.

I had to leave her at 17 years old when I went to college. During my second year she died of illness (at 14 years old) without me by her side.

In my grief I had a dream that she was reborn in a litter of 3 puppies and came back to us. Next day, I narrated the story to my grandmother, while she was getting a massage therapy done.

The therapist heard my story and told me that in her neighbor’s house a litter of 3 puppies had just been born. And that they were exactly the same color and breed I had described from my dream.

They were still too young to be adopted so I went back to university without seeing them. While I was away they were adopted by someone else, but the puppies refused to adjust to their new owners house, so they were returned to the original owner.

My uncle went to take a look at the puppies and one of them seemed to recognize him. The puppy brought his shoes (which he had taken off outside the house) to him.

Interestingly, Tuza was very fond of this uncle in her previous life and seemed to recognize him. So he bought him home, and when I came back and took him home to my house, the new puppy seemed to immediately recognize everything in the house. He even found Tuza’s old toys, which we didn’t know were hidden from before.

Actual image of Tuza II
Because of these amazing characteristics, we were sure it was our old Tuza reborn, so we named him Tuza as well.

Fast forward 8 years, Tuza II was viciously attacked by 4 big dogs.

I jumped in to fight them off but couldn’t save him on time. A few days after he died I felt his presence at night on my bed. I could feel the weight of his footsteps on my body lying down, the same way Tuza would walk over me when he was a alive.

I could see the the blanket sink under the weight and could feel the heaviness but there was nothing there. Then, I had a dream that he would come back as a border collie, black and white in color.

Mind you, there were no border collies in Thailand to adopt.

A couple months later we saw an advertisement on the internet, from a couple from Australia that had just moved to Bangkok with their border collies. Their dogs had just given birth to a litter of eight puppies.

We looked at the photos and saw that one of the puppies had a pink patch on its nose just as the 2 previous Tuzas did.

Actual image of Tuza III

We asked the them to bring that puppy home. The moment she arrived, she completely ignored the owners and crawled straight into my lap and fell asleep. I knew it was Tuza back again.”

In this way, spirit animals not only support us in one lifetime, but walk with us through multiple lifetimes. Also, don’t be surprised if you dream of animals. For all you can know. your Tuza may be speaking to you from the dream world!

#3 – Divine Messages From The Yellow Bird

This is another heartwarming narrative from one of my clients.

“He finally moved out. I told him in July that I wanted a divorce and now it is October. Usually I just do my best to ignore his presence but this day I just could not be silent anymore.

I asked him while trying to control my anger, “Why are you still here? Is this enjoyable for you?” I said a few other choice words and after a promise to pay him back the most recent mortgage payment he agreed to move the next day.

After he left, I looked in the closet to see his side completely bare and I broke. The level of despair scared me, but I could not control it. I emailed my therapist, hoping it would help me to tell someone or just writing out how I was feeling. It did not.

I later took a shower and decided to try something new I’d just seen on a YouTube video. I attempted to clean my aura and as I did it, I pictured that my soul was yellow.

woman in white dress in bath tub
Image used for picturing purpose only

I sobbed and sobbed as I went through the process, but it did not help, or so I thought. I did not sleep at all that night. The only thing I could compare it to is a few months ago, when I begged God and the Universe to help me which led to my spiritual awakening.

The next day which was my 18th wedding anniversary day, I tried to continue my routine hoping it would snap me out of my sadness. I noticed something yellow on the deck, but I told myself it was just a huge leaf. Later that morning my son saw it and immediately asked if it was a bird.

This caused me to look closer and sure enough it was a dead yellow bird. It was startling and as tapped into the Universe as I currently consider myself, it really did not resonate with me what it could mean.

However, I knew that it was not coincidental that I had just read a book about Spirit Animals and my intuition told me the dead yellow bird was not a “bad” sign.

bird perching on outdoors, spirit animal as a yellow bird
Image used for picturing purpose only

With some guidance from a wonderful spiritual coach (who also wrote the previously mentioned book), I found a way to overcome the agony that the little yellow bird took on my pain and delivered the message that my turmoil was ending.

The next day I did not feel any turmoil just a called to action to tune into the depths of my soul with joy and gratitude the way I seem capable of doing when I’m in pain and despair.”

My Experiences With Spirit Animals

I have many stories, but I’ll share the squirrel one with you today.

You will still see my grin as I watch squirrels running about, wherever I go.

It’s not because they’re cute – of course they are. But it’s because they’ve been one of the guiding lights in my spiritual journey.

Back when I was experiencing an identity crisis and slowly making my way into the dark night of the soul, my spirit animal showed up as a squirrel. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what was happening, but I simply enjoyed the company of my cute, furry friend.

I called her Squilly, and I would often feed her peanuts. Throughout the winter of 2016, she came and sat with me as my inner turbulence came and went.

Eventually, it all made sense. She was the messenger of strength and perseverance. She may have announced that tough times, that winter, lie ahead. But she also brought hope and agility back in my life.

Here’s a cute video I made of another squirrel friend, as she munches away on the peanuts. 🙂

My spirit animal, Squilly the squirrel, accompanying me for lunch

And as she warmed my heart with her presence, it was only a matter of time when my journey turned around.

A few years later, here I am, dedicating my first publication to her, and to all the amazing spirit animals that have been the guiding light, not just in my life, but in that of countless others’!

Concluding Thoughts

This is just the tip of the iceberg, when I say that spirit animals guide us.

There are many, many ways in which they protect, support and bring messages from the spiritual realm to us.

If this topic touches your heart and you feel called to know about the divine intervention in your life, do check out my book on the subject.

It’s filled with numerous stories, tips & tricks to help you understand how Spirit Animals work in our life. It’s available across all Amazon Kindle Bookstores as an ebook, so you’ll be able to read it right away!

And… if you’re using Kindle Unlimited, you’ll be able to get your copy for free. 🙂


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Ego Work: 5 Tips to Differentiate Between the Ego and Your True Self

What is the ego? Is it really our enemy? How can we understand it to avoid the inner conflict? Here are the answers, with tips for ego work.

On one hand, we hear about practicing concepts like healthy relationship boundaries as an act of self-love. On the other hand, we talk about selflessness in the spiritual journey. For the longest time, I was conflicted between the two schools of thought and now, often get questions about this from my readers. So today, let’s talk about Ego Work, and clear this up once and for all.

I want to answer a set of questions in order to enter into the subject of ego work more tactfully.

First, what IS the Ego?

It is the sense of “I”.

The part of us that experiences duality because it acknowledges the difference between two paths – always labelling one as “this is me” and the other as “this could never be me”.

So, in effect, the ego is what creates diversity in the human experience, allowing us to make a permutation and combination of choices that we feel are in alignment with us.

How Ego Develops, In Metaphysical Terms

Speaking metaphysically, ego is nothing but our karmic blueprint. We can extend it into saying, that the ego-mind is also an accumulation of our past lives.

Whatever karmic debts we’ve paid, have shaped our sense of right and wrong. Sometimes we become overly righteous and rigid because of this ego, because of these experiences.

At other times, we are able to see the ego mind at play in another person, because we’ve already overcome those spiritual lessons and cleared the karma.

Ego versus self-respect

When someone rejects your offer for a date, but you keep chasing them, you might hear one of your friends say, “have some self respect man!”.

In other words, remember who YOU are in all of this. Don’t let someone take your peace away.

ego work, ego mind, attitude, self respect, healthy relationship boundaries

The idea of self-respect is about realizing one’s needs and walking away from that which doesn’t fulfill us. Which is in alignment with healthy relationship boundaries and learning to not love too much.

But it also goes against the idea of unconditional love; the philosophy that there’s no you or me, it’s just divine love. That in the grand scheme of things, duality isn’t even real.

So, in a way, are we saying that self-respect is ego?

This leads me to my next question.

Is the Ego really our ENEMY?

When you read a compelling book on the very subject, and you have countless spiritual teachers advising you to overcome the ego, you’ll think, OF COURSE! Your ego is your enemy.

But I want to offer a different perspective. Let’s look at this in a laymen way.

The ego has developed over many years of conditioning of the mind, and for this reason is also referred to as the ego-mind.

This conditioning comes from our experiences with parents, teachers, peers and strangers. It also comes from the information we consume, like movies, music and the daily news.

When we look around and see the things that cause us pain, we register these events into our subconscious as ‘bad for me’. Then, when something familiar brews again, our so called ego reminds us to beware, suspecting potential pain.

Thus, the ego-mind is like a big brother that doesn’t know when to stop caring and shielding his younger sibling. It doesn’t know when the very protection it uses to make our growth easier, becomes the protection that hampers our growth altogether.

How I see it, is that the ego mind is really just a disaster management system in our head that sometimes goes overboard!

brother, ego mind, ego work, fight, argument, inner conflict

Most of us begin to go at war with ourselves when we realize this big brother is causing us more pain than the actual events around us. We’re busy fighting the ego-mind, telling it not to get in the way.

As a consequence, we’re mentally drained and exhausted.

We are inconsistent in our actions because at times we follow the big brother, and at times, we act like rebels. The inner conflict drives us crazy, almost to the point of an identity crisis.

And there begins a downward spiral.

The ego not only gets in our way, it leads to resistance, suffering and at times, the dark night of the soul. That’s probably why it feels like an enemy.

But instead of resisting something that’s so inevitably part of the human experience, what if we embrace and respect it? What if we move from the mindset of overcoming the ego, to working with it?

Through this angle of healing, called ego work, let’s step into a different approach of being.

5 Solid Tips for Healthy Ego Work

As you try out of the following tips, you will not only find more ways to be in-tune with your true self, you will be aware of what led you to the limiting beliefs.

I would encourage you to try these tips out over a couple of weeks, over different situations, to get true benefit. Remember, internalization is the only way to get results – so before you hop to the next healing technique, let this one brew and do something good for you!

Tip #1 – Make the Ego Mind More Relatable, Don’t Banish It.

Some psychologists and life coaches recommend giving your ego a name and separate identity from who you are.

The way we’re doing in this post, by calling the ego mind our big brother.

photo of woman looking at the mirror, ego work, self reflection

That is one method to deal with it, and the benefits are that you get to treat your ego in a more tangible (though still not visible) way. It’s the same as why idol worship works for some people – they have something more concrete to work with.

However, if you are choosing a separate identity, beware of the following tendencies.

  • Don’t treat the ego mind as inferior, ‘dumb’ or unworthy of your compassion. It is still YOU, you are only giving it a face to make it more relatable. Continue being patient and good to yourself as you work through the inner turmoil.
  • Don’t let this identity give you a multiple personality disorder. In other words, don’t use this as an excuse to be nasty at times and get away with it!
  • Don’t inherently hate other people that have the same name as this identity. 🙂

Tip #2 – Talk to your Ego Mind.

You’ve been doing this already, but you haven’t been doing it consciously. And as we’ve discovered, most of the talking is either arguing or conceding to its wishes.

As is in the case of any kind of inner work, when you want to heal something, you start by acknowledging it. So the next time you catch yourself in a mental tug of war, instead of getting worked up, get curious.

talk to your ego mind to heal it

You can directly ask the ego mind questions to help understand it better, such as,

What are you (ego mind) trying to protect me from?

Your answer could be about escaping from an emotion like sadness or anger, or from a feeling like fear or shame. But it will typically reveal itself as the need to get away from some kind of pain.

When you talk to your ego mind, you can also understand why it came to this solution, by asking,

Have I felt pain in the past, that has led you to this mindset?

Here, maybe a memory or set of experiences arise. Take note of them, and proceed to ask yourself questions, like,

Has your suggestion worked to mitigate my pain in the past?
Even though I was free of pain, were there any consequences of this action?
Then, is there another solution to handle the problem?

With that, you will not outright reject your belief system, but investigate it. And maybe you come to a win-win solution.

Step #3- Support the Ego Mind.

What if you actually listened to big brother’s advice and gave it the respect it deserves? Why? Because it isn’t for no reason that the big brother is protecting you – your own reactions in the past have led you to this moment.

Here’s what supporting the ego mind would look like, in the form of questions to ask yourself.

When I’m in pain from such situations, what ends up happening to me?

Maybe you stop trusting people, or you pick up an old bad habit. Or you experience a drop in self-esteem and feel hopeless/lonely.

Become aware of your tendencies when things go wrong, and try to understand how the ego mind is mitigating your pain and actually saving you from spiraling down.

self reflection, ego work, ego mind

For instance, the ego mind might be stopping you from dating someone, because the last time it didn’t work out, you ended up drinking too much and spending all your savings on alcohol.

Through this, it just wants to protect you from sabotaging your life at the expense of one failed relationship.

But really, its YOU that needs to take actions of higher value. And until you don’t act differently, maybe it makes more sense to listen to the big brother and not date your way into being broke.

When you are aware of this, you can put conscious effort to not let yourself go down that path every time things go south for you.

Why am I not willing to listen to these thoughts? What will I miss out, if I listen to my ego mind?

There’s clearly a part of you that has hope that things can be different. Which is why you’re having an inner conflict and want to do things differently. Acknowledge and address this hope, and see why it is driving you against self-preservation in this situation.

Tip #4 – Collect evidence of why your ego-mind if the way it is.

Sometimes ego work needs us to go deeper and remove things from their root. Until then, the inner conflict doesn’t subside because we can’t seem to seperate a behavior or thought from ourself.

So, we want to find out what (or who) made the ego mind this way.

This is a challenging tip to follow, because it requires you to remain accountable for yourself, without hating your external environment. So keep that in mind as you assimilate the answers from the following questions.

Do these thoughts remind me of anyone in real life?

Ego work can lead to a new problem – holding grudges against the people that influenced our mindset. This can deepen the duality and make us feel more isolated from others around us when we are on the spiritual journey.

Regardless of who comes up as the influencer behind a thought, just become aware. Any temporary anger or resentment is natural. And it can be pacified by remembering two things.

sad, upset, lonely, ego work, ego mind, emotions, beach, sunset, spiritual life

One, is that we no longer have to make that choice. This helps us take our power back and be more independent of the past. And two, had the influencer known better, they wouldn’t have given us this experience.

Once you know that you aren’t original in thinking these things, it’ll become easier for you to release them from your mindset. Then, ask the next question.

Do I still want to follow so-and-so’s mindset in this situation?

There may have been a time when you had no choice (such as childhood) to follow their advice. But now, you can do things differently. By having that dialogue with yourself, you can logically bring yourself into a new belief system.

Tip #5 – Reach a consensus.

Sometimes, you’ll be able to change an old pattern through the aforementioned dialogues. But at times, you may want to resort to old ways.

Then, the most important aspect of healing through ego work becomes giving yourself time and being patient with yourself, even as you see yourself picking the old patterns.

In such circumstances, don’t beat yourself up or think that the big brother won the fight. As Osho advised, just be aware of what you’re doing, without working on autopilot. Be aware of yourself long enough to transcend behaviors once and for all.

closeup photo of primate, ego work requires you to look at yourself and change your old ways
Every time you pick an old pattern, have an inner dialogue that reminds you of why you’re doing this, what you could have done differently, and whether it’s worth being this way again.

Remember that some patterns and belief systems have been around for decades in our life, and can be deeply rooted. The only way out of them is to remain aware and set them free when their time comes.

Concluding Thoughts

The ego is merely that aspect of ourselves which keeps the duality alive. It is essential as a part of the human experience, and it adds value to our life because it gives us the uniqueness to our story.

However, at the end of the day, everything that limits us to the duality is a limitation. And so, if we want to move towards oneness and collective consciousness, we must embrace ego work with just as much love as we embrace light work, for example.

You may also find it interesting to read these unique ways to differentiate between your ego mind and intuition.

Happy healing!


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