Do you know someone that is not doing well, and is also unwilling to get help or change? I definitely do. And if you do too, you’ll agree that it’s hard to watch someone you love self-sabotage themselves, suffer and deteriorate, with your advice and good will for them seemingly falling on deaf ears. Overtime, it can make us feel angry, frustrated or even numb towards the person’s suffering.
I’m here to address some key tips to help in this situation. Here are three ways to be around someone that isn’t ready or willing to change. Please read them knowing that it’s easier said than done to implement these – I share the reflections from a place of love, and having gone through these battles several times myself.
#1 – Notice the way someone’s lack of self-accountability triggers you.
For a moment, let’s shift the focus from them, back to us.
We might feel guilty for not being able to do more. Or feel bad for enjoying a good life while someone else doesn’t.
Whatever the feeling being triggered within you is, it’s for you to explore and integrate. Here’s why.
Because unless you digest the guilt, you’ll keep hitting against a wall and trying to force change in their life. We can all take a page from the Universe’s handbook: it’s called the law of divine intervention, not divine interference.
And unless you let go of the idea that you’re selfish for being happy when someone you love suffers, you will keep suffering with them. Please remember that their suffering isn’t personal. And you don’t have to suffer with them to help them.
As you can probably see by now, you resisting their resistance isn’t helpful to either of you.
You can show up with all the tools, mindset, positivity as you like. And it’s still going to be their choice to take it or reject it. So once you process your triggers, you’ll know where that boundary is and when you need to take a step back for your own sake, and theirs.
#2 – Notice what life wants you to learn here.
If we are extremely passionate about making life better for ourselves and others, one of the potential lessons life wants us to learn is to get off the hamster wheel of healing. In other words, to not identify so intensely with the “hit” or “rush” that comes from constant breakthroughs and healings, that we start chasing this for other people too.
For instance, perhaps the lesson here is that not every thing can be fixed, or needs to be. At least not on our timelines. Then, can we surrender our human desire to control outcome and trust the greater process at play? It could look like keeping this person in our prayers every night, sending them loving thoughts and asking their soul guides to look after them.
Can we build acceptance and tolerance for those that don’t operate in life with the same views? (If not, can we place better boundaries so that we aren’t getting caught up in their “mess”?)
Another aspect of this is to trust that even if this person’s human mind is resisting help (or change), their soul carries innate wisdom that will shine through. We are all here with soul contracts that are meant to help each other, as much as help ourselves. At a higher level, what could this individual be helping you learn? Here’s a guided tool to help you explore this concept deeper:
#3 – Focus on what can change.
So for instance, maybe the person in question here will never stop financial recklessness or hoarding things. All this while, you may have been recommending therapy to them because you can see that they never processed their abandonment issues and they’re using shopping to “fill that void”. In the meantime, this person maybe refusing to go to therapy or even saying they don’t believe in it!
If after reading the second tip from above, you’d still like to make efforts to help them, maybe you can do something less direct? Like taking them shopping with you, or exploring a less expensive hobby together that brings them actual joy.
Or if you know someone that’s depressed and struggles with meals, what if you visit them weekly to play Bingo with them, to help them manage some of the chronic loneliness? Or you could setup a service for them that makes their meal prep easier, or effortless. Even better if you can join them for an evening of meal prep every week, helping them feel supported and less lonely.
There is always more than one way to bring positive change, and this can be an opportunity for us to get creative and find less direct but potentially better ways to help someone. And maybe, this is an invitation to look outside our projections and support someone in a way they believe would be supportive, not what we think would be supportive for them.
Concluding Thoughts
It’s hard to watch people suffer, especially when we believe that the tools or mindset that we are offering to them will help alleviate their pain.
The fact that you’re reading this tells me that you really care and are trying your absolute best to help the individual. Thank you for not giving up on them even when they’re unwilling to change their own life! Please don’t discount your own efforts or feel disheartened thinking it’s all going in vain. I see you. And the Universe sees you.
Vasundhra is the Founder & Writer of My Spiritual Shenanigans. After seeing 11:11 on the clock one fateful night, her life turned around. Ever since, she has been blending modern psychology and ancient spirituality, to help herself and people around the world elevate the quality of their lives.
Ready to take your healing deeper? Join her for monthly community workshops and/or for personalized 1:1 coaching.
jess says
Thank you for this. The article greatly resonates with me. I am presently living with my elderly mother who requires some help at home. We are both stubborn and set in our ways and it is not easy for her to follow my suggestions or accept my help. I easily get irritated and need to place distance between us so that I can cool down before getting back to her. Life is trying to teach me how to cope with anger and frustration I guess. Best regards.
myspiritualshenanigans says
It is so challenging! And I love that you’re able to see the opportunities of growth for you, in all of this. Way to go, Jess!