4 nervous system-friendly steps to help you actually change “bad habits”

This article is for people like me who are trying to change our “bad” habits. Snacking, doom-scrolling, gaming, watching endless TV—anything where you feel yourself getting carried away and can’t seem to stop. And where the willpower only gets you so far, then you are back to square one!

Of course, the topic itself isn’t new, so what more could I say that hasn’t already been said? I mean, James Clear is already doing wonders with spreading knowledge and education to millions!

A lot of clients who come through have already tried the psychology-based tips and tricks, and they are still battling with their habits. Have we considered a neuroscience lens? That’s the missing piece for many peeople, and this article brings that fresh lens into the conversation.

Note that this article is not relevant for substance addictions, eating disorders, mental health challenges or any other nuanced topic that may require chemical intervention.

Also, I’m going to be using a lot of food references here, so fair warning that this post might make you hungry! And you’ll soon see why that’s ironic, too. 😉

With that context set, let’s address the first idea of habit change. Is going cold turkey a good idea?

Why Cold Turkey Often Backfires

Let’s use eating sugary foods as an example, though you can substitute anything here.

Going cold turkey can be a huge shock to the nervous system. Think of it like a pendulum or yo-yo: the push and pull are harder to manage when we try to quit a habit by force.

I’m not saying it never works, because I’ve heard stories where people wake up one day and are just so clear that their bad habit becomes a story of the past, instantly! I just don’t know anyone personally who has had long-term success with this, and so my hope here is to validate why you may not have had luck if you’ve tried.

This is especially true during seasons of low capacity. When you are tired, emotionally stretched, or depleted, your system reaches for what soothes it fastest. And we fall back to our old ways very quickly. In those moments, force rarely creates change. It usually creates backlash and shame.

So, instead, I’ve found it far more effective to help my clients (and myself) change habits using the following steps.

#1 – Understand What the Habit Is Doing for You

Before changing anything, understand what the habit actually gives you, at the core level.

For me, sugar equals fun! At the end of a long day, I’m most inclined to grab a chocolate or make an emergency phone call to my husband to pick up some cake! It’s rewarding in a way that nothing else is.

The habit isn’t necessarily “bad”. It serves a purpose: it’s my mind treating me and enjoying the evening quiet.

Whether we snack mindlessly at night, doom-scroll to the point of feeling sick, or binge-watch TV series while compromising sleep, there is a deeper why underneath it.

Often, the habit is trying to provide rest, stimulation, comfort, or relief from something.

Of course, at this stage of life, this habit might have become outdated and not really help you with your long-term goals, which is why you’re trying to change it now. But long-lasting change doesn’t happen with self-criticism or shaming ourselves.

So, identifying the why matters because otherwise, we don’t really meet that need; we suppress it. And then our mind might find ways to meet that need in other undesirable ways. For example, my sugar suppression became a gaming obsession. I played countless hours of Assassin’s Creed just to get my mind the same sense of fun and reward. So at some point, I had to get to the root of my need for fun and downtime.

#2 – Plan for the Habit Instead of Pretending It Won’t Be There

I know I’m not at a stage where I can completely cut out snacks or sugar. I’ve accepted that. So instead of fighting it, I work around it.

I make sure my nutrition is covered earlier in the day. My main 3 meals focus on protein, vegetables, and incorporating supplements – all helpful to reduce sugar cravings.

And then at the end of the night, I have a planned indulgence snack.

A cup of warm milk, and whatever fits into my snack cup. Maybe it’s twenty Cheetos. Maybe it’s ten Cheetos with some salted cashews. Or maybe it’s a Kit Kat with some Indian savouries. Whatever I’m craving that day, as long as it fits in the cup, it’s allowed.

It’s also the time of day when all my willpower is depleted, so this strategy has worked great for me.

Bottom line? You’re not banning the behaviour or letting it play out on autopilot. You’re creating a conscious container around it.

#3 – Find Other Ways to Meet the Same Need

Once you know why the habit exists, and you’re allowing it to help you move through life until you develop new, better habits, make a list of other things that give you a similar feeling or effect.

If sitting on the couch at night with fresh popcorn or a bag of chips, scrolling your phone, and watching TV gives you relaxation and a mental shutoff, ask yourself what else might offer something close to that.

I feel that I have less of a need to indulge when I’ve had a meaningful evening with friends or family. While I can’t always create those opportunities for myself (I’m a new mom AND I’m introverted, so I do have a small social battery), I have another workaround in place.

For me, if I do watch TV while snacking, I will choose a quick twenty-minute show instead of a two-hour movie. The shorter container naturally limits how long I’m eating. Anyway, after the initial high and joy, I’ve noticed that I’m usually just overstaying because I feel obliged to commit to my ritual. So less is more!

Caveat: When the Container Stops Helping

It’s important to understand the difference between regulation and dissociation here.

The same behaviour can sometimes soothe and sometimes numb us out. It’s completely okay to have days where we lose ourselves in the behaviour, but if this happens often, it’s feedback that our strategy isn’t working. We need more support.

At first, the container may genuinely work. You portion the snack intentionally, eat it slowly, and feel calmer afterward. The urge settles. The habit does what it’s meant to do.

Over time, though, you may notice that the small cup becomes a big bowl. Then maybe a second round. You find yourself mentally negotiating with it, anticipating it, feeling restless until it happens, or even letting yourself off the hook frequently because “you only live once” or you “deserve a break today”.

That’s feedback.

When a behaviour moves from settling your system to activating it, the issue is usually no longer the habit itself. It’s often a sign that something underneath is under-supported.

Fatigue. Emotional load. Boredom. Loneliness. Prolonged stress.

In those moments, a different approach or more support may be needed. I’d suggest asking yourself, “what do I really need right now that will help me feel more regulated?”.

#4 – Unshame yourself.

I know that my clients and I begin to hold ourselves to crazy high standards because we feel like our self-development journey warrants that of us, and the contrast of our spiralling bad habits doesn’t help.

I also get some pushback when I suggest working on healing this shame we’re carrying about our less-than-ideal behaviours. Because to most people, it seems like I’m saying become complacent or worse: embrace that you’re doomed for life!

But that’s not what I’m implying.

Shame often fuels compulsive behaviour. The more you frame a habit as a personal failure, the more tightly it tends to hold on.

So instead of framing it as a problem to fix, what if we begin to say, “This is innocent. I’m looking for a way to relax.” That shift alone reduces the charge around the habit and gives your nervous system room to choose differently over time.

I’ve got a wonderful class on healing shame here, that can be a great resource to work on this.

Concluding Thoughts

Before I conclude, did this post make you hungry? And did you catch the irony of that? 😉

Now, to conclude: What if changing a habit didn’t require discipline first, but understanding it? And what if our goal isn’t the elimination of bad things we do, but building a healthier relationship with ourselves? And… what if sometimes, the most honest response to a habit is not control, but more support elsewhere in your life?

Let me know what you think!

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