“I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I’m unhappy.” Read this.

It’s one thing to feel upset when your life is nowhere near what you would have wanted it to be. But what happens if the “good life” you had imagined is actually here, now, and you’re still feeling unhappy? The immediate thought for many of us is – I am being ungrateful. But as we keep practicing gratitude, we seem to be getting unhappier. Can you relate? You’re not alone.

As someone who’s been working diligently to improve the quality of her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual landscape, I’ve hit this strange spot in my life multiple times, too. Although things looked really good and aligned on paper, I wasn’t feeling that way.

There are many reasons why we might feel this way, some of which I’ve discovered while working with my clients (no surprise, I attracted what I’d learned to heal)! I may write more of them as time progresses. Today, I will focus on a common reason I often come across: our inner nomad.

I’ll start with a personal anecdote.

My story of feeling unhappy, but not trying to be ungrateful

Throughout childhood, my parents and I moved across cities (and countries) due to different circumstances.

For instance, we immigrated from India to the USA when I was 4, because my dad had a great job opportunity, and we stayed for 6 years. We moved back to India when I was 10, as our visas reached completion.

Once back in India, we moved a bunch more, sometimes for dad’s work and sometimes because we’d find a better place to call “home”.

Even though my parents did finally settle down into a cozy home, I kept going.

After graduation (which is another short, 4-year affair), I worked in my corporate job for 4 years, in 2 different cities!

The point of my sharing all this? By the time I was an adult, my nervous system had become familiar with moving, making new friends, packing my bags, and leaving.

There was a positive side to all this: It taught me adaptability, pushed my introverted self out of her bubble to build new relationships, and also helped me create a sense of detachment from people or places.

On the other hand, in my late twenties, when it was time to start settling, this nomadic lifestyle became an impediment.

Here’s how.

Around year four of being married, I began feeling really restless and stressed. Sure, things could be better – they can always be better – but something within me started getting extremely uncomfortable for no obvious reason.

It unconsciously started coming out in the form of picking fights with my husband and threatening to leave.

It’s almost like my nervous system was creating that problem for me so that I could do what it’s used to – pack my bags and leave.

The same thing happened in my business.

Three years into running my spiritual shenanigans as a blog and coaching space, I felt the sudden wave that I’m not fulfilled. This isn’t what I want anymore, even though this was everything I had worked hard to get!

Can you relate to these stories? Let’s explore what’s going on underneath the surface.

Let’s Meet Our Inner Nomad

Sometimes, our nervous system can make even the most fulfilling life on paper feel less fulfilling in the body.

But what wires our nervous system to be that way? It’s what I’ve been alluding to all this time – we’ve been living life like nomads. For example:

• immigrants or people who keep moving a lot (maybe a frequent change in jobs or schooling);
• someone who’s gone through multiple relationships;
• anyone who’s gone through a lot of disruption or had to navigate unusual amounts of uncertainty in any area of their life.

We become habituated to change. And develop what I like to call an “inner nomad” – the part that expects life to take another turn, even if it’s actually safe to be where we are and settle down.

So, ironically, not experiencing these nomadic fluctuations can feel like there’s a problem.

Crazy, isn’t it?! I know. Let’s explore some ways to shift this.

4 tips to heal the inner nomad

#1 – ask yourself this mindset reframing question

How do you rewire a nervous system that life has moulded into becoming a nomad?

And more importantly, how do you get over the state of shame because you know you’re not ungrateful, but really don’t know how else to be happy, because you’re literally doing everything you wanted to do that should have made you happy?!

Sometimes, asking ourselves deep, powerful questions can lead to breakthroughs. Here’s a step-by-step process for you. Can you slow down and work through this with me?

1. For a moment, step into the truth that I’ve arrived at my destination, something I had worked so hard to achieve.

2. And then ask yourself this question: what if this is it? What if this is what I have for the rest of my life? What comes up for you?

3. If there are feelings of fear or sadness, can you breathe into them and see what they say?

Sometimes, just giving ourselves room to grieve that the “journey” is over, is all that’s really needed to enjoy the life we had been working so hard to create and are now unable to appreciate.

#2 – embrace your village

One analogy I love sharing with clients is: imagining that throughout our lives, we keep walking from town to town or village to village with a little knapsack.

And the knapsack contains all our belongings, but everything else is impermanent.

At some point, we start walking towards our dream village.

When we do arrive at the destination we have been working so hard to get to, we need to allow ourselves to say, hey, this is it. This is my home now. Sure, I can decorate it and modify it here and there, but I’ve finally arrived. I can stop moving around, and even stop planning to move around. I can settle into the life that I put so much effort into creating.

I mean, can you imagine what would happen if right when you placed your bags down after days of walking, someone said – no wait, there’s something better out there! And imagine this happening over and over again.

Sounds crazy, right? Well, that’s what the mind starts doing.

If we find ourselves getting hooked on the pursuit, it’s actually the ego’s way to keep itself entertained with the shifting goalpost theory.

But the truth is, and as research confirms, beyond a certain level of accomplishment, our happiness quotient stays at the same level.

We all have a baseline for how happy we need to truly be to feel ourselves in daily life, and no amount of external pursuit will change that once we’ve reached that point. Hence, that feeling of having everything right on paper, but feeling unhappy and then feeling guilty that maybe you’re becoming ungrateful.

Happiness is no longer about finding the next best village, but rather about finding our joy within the one we are in today.

#3 – rewiring the “flight” response

Caveat – this is not insight for relationships that go beyond acceptable levels of challenge (ex, abusive).

The third aspect to consider when feeling unhappy but internally knowing there’s a lot to be grateful for is to not treat the unhappiness as a sign that you need to leave.

Remember that leaving is familiar, but it may not always be the right thing to do. Especially if you’re acknowledging that theoretically you have it good right now – clearly, more isn’t going to help! So then it’s time to rewire the nervous system.

I was talking about this earlier – sometimes stability makes us so uncomfortable, and leaving helps stir the drama and change we are seeking.

For example, maybe if my partner and I are not going out on Friday night dates anymore, then we get to recreate that or find a different and better alternative. But it doesn’t mean that the relationship needs to end because we aren’t being romantic anymore.

Similarly, in my business – yes, maybe I need to reconsider my ideal clients because they’re not currently feeling fulfilled to work with, but it doesn’t mean I have to close my practice down.

Likewise, my client realized how, even years after buying a house, because of her immigrant background (thus nomadic psyche), she had never really accepted that this is her home.

So let’s take a closer look – if the flight response wasn’t so familiar, how might you have approached this situation differently?

#4 – the problem is not the problem

We’ve established that we like the life we have, at least in theory. So the problem we think we have is most likely not the real problem.

The best way I can explain this is with my own example.

One thing I started doing differently when I was struggling to “settle” in our marriage of four years was finding activities that helped me feel more connected to my environment.

So every Monday, I started going to the temple and building community there.

Every Tuesday, I walked in for a Zumba class at our local community center.

And as much as my introvert personality would allow, I put in more effort to meet and hang out with more coaches, healers and yogis that could help me feel like I wasn’t alone in my interests.

You might read this and wonder how something so small and irrelevant could fix a marriage. Here’s the catch.

These were all things that I never got a chance to do because I kept moving around. I could never have a true sense of community, of belonging in the bigger picture. Once that feeling came over me, my nervous system began to feel safe being here. It wasn’t really about the marriage; it was about a deeper desire to belong.

And maybe for someone who keeps escaping home through travel with every opportunity they get, it can look like affording a few hours of housekeeping or upgrading their appliances to be more efficient, because they realize it was really about the hassle of doing all the chores every weekend and wanting to just feel like they can be taken care of.

Or for someone who keeps running away from committing to relationships, it can also look like finally opening Pandora’s box and sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, because now you’re ready to start trusting more that this will work out.

These are all examples of unconscious needs: we self-sabotage our lives when we keep overlooking our deeper, unmet needs. It’s a topic I love helping clients unpack in my 1:1 work. Feel free to drop me an email here, and we can set up a time to connect and create a plan to help you navigate this experience!

Concluding Thoughts

Becoming aware of our nomadic tendencies and recognizing that they’re no longer serving us are two key components in finally feeling happy with the life we have. This also helps remove the shame we carry for not feeling more grateful.

Of course, as duality works, there will always be something more worth aspiring for. But can you imagine how different your energy will be if you aspire for the next goal not because you’re unhappy (moving away from pain), but rather, moving towards greater peace?

Hope this gives you lots of food for thought! Do share your reflections in the comments below.

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