My friend and I were invested in one of our infamous ‘late-night’ speculations of relationships, when she asked a very innocent and valid question about resentment.
Just like the time before when we talked about detachment, that’s how this post came to birth. It is largely channelled, also something I talked more about in the former post of this type.
“Forgive, but don’t forget” is the advice I had given her, when she confessed she still holds a lot of resentment towards her partner.
The Dialogue on Resentment
What does not forgetting give me? Isn’t that resentment in itself?
It helps you set boundaries;
the things you are willing to accept or not.
But how do we forgive, if we are still remembering (not forgetting) it?
You hold resentment because you feel bad it happened to you.
How dare HE/SHE do that to you.
But you can let it go, by realising that it was YOU that allowed it to happen to you.
You don’t just forgive the other person, you also forgive yourself, for allowing something to have happened to you – to have been so deeply painful and for not knowing better sooner,
And you forgiving him does not mean he can do it again.
It means you forgive it happened before, but you make it clear that it can not happen again.
This is the basis of a HEALTHY BOUNDARY.
When you have a solid boundary, when you stand up for yourself, or make it clear that you’re not comfortable with whatever is going on, you are able to prevent mistreatment to a large extent.
And even if the behaviour persists, because you have become more conscious and intolerant for it, there are repercussions for the misdo-er, so you waste less time giving second/third/infinity chances and being heartbroken.
The repercussions could be as simple as not-talking for a certain duration, or stronger steps such as breaking off the relationship.
That makes sense. But the thing is, if there are repercussions, it effects both of us. If there’s a fight or breakup, I suffer too. So basically both suffer, for the misbehaviour of one.
It gets better with time for a simple reason.
He cannot do to you, what will no longer effect you.
That is how the Universe works, that’s why we are given Spiritual Contracts in our relationships, and that’s how they improve.
We learn from our partner, and we bring a SHIFT in our dynamic once the lesson has been learned.
A simple self-reflection on boundaries is a clear win out of resentment, and into healthier relationships.
Happy evolving! 🙂
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Cover Photo by Zdeněk Macháček