It took me until I hit rock bottom, to finally admit to myself that I needed therapy.
Ofcourse, my rock bottom most likely looks different than yours if you’ve been there before or might be experiencing it now.
I suppose the turning period in my life was when I realised I had lost all of my previous passion for cooking and baking.
I had been to freaking Culinary Arts School!
But after being in the field for a while a part of my love for it vanished. Having worked at the same restaurant for almost 2 years, I was miserable. I didn’t want to cook or bake at home and I couldn’t wait to leave work. I left that restaurant back in October 2018 for the FIRST time.
From there, I went to a manufacturing plant that made medical supplies. It was supposed to be a 4 10’s type of job, Monday through Thursday. I was also on the off shift, which was 4pm to 2:30am.
This job was interesting. I met a lot of wonderful people through this job. However, my hope to FINALLY have weekends off was crushed within two weeks of being at this job.
Working overtime turned out to be mandatory and it ended up being every Friday and Saturday. We all made the best of it at work, but it definitely had an effect on our lives outside of work. Which were basically nonexistent at that point.
Even though the hours sucked, I had regained some of my happy while being at this job. It was the best couple months in my network marketing business. I just missed spending time with the people I loved. My family lives an hour away and when you have your own house and dogs and responsibilities, an hour feels farther away than it is.
I worked at the manufacturing plant for 5 months. Then, I received a text message one morning from my favourite manager at the restaurant I had originally been working at. She informed me they were looking for a new kitchen manager.
I’ll be the first to say I missed the hell out of most of the people in that establishment. I felt excited and nervous and anxious. I set up an interview with the new owners that week. They offered me the position and I accepted.
The Excited High before Rock Bottom
I knew I was walking into a shit-show.
A broken restaurant that had just recently undergone new owners and changes in management. But if I’m being honest the issues with this restaurant stemmed from way before the new changes, it was a shit-show when I was a cook and I knew it was most likely worse.
But I didn’t realize JUST. HOW. BAD. It was going to be.
I didn’t realize how severely understaffed they were.
There were people that were happy to have me back in a position that would be able to help make positive changes.
Then there were people who thought there was no hope.
I was told by an employee, and old coworker, that I had jumped back onto a sinking ship.
I remember telling that person that I appreciated the challenge. What I didn’t realize was going to be the most challenging part was coming back and having someone I had looked up to in the past, be and act completely different. I needed to learn and when I asked her questions, I was blatantly ignored. I tried putting rules in place and was constantly told that the other three managers never enforced them, which ended up making my life harder.
Certain employees were just allowed to run wild throughout the kitchen when I wasn’t there, and when I was they made sure to either suck up or make my day/night hell. I was good at my job, the best that I was able to be with very little guidance. I used my knowledge from school to the best of my abilities and I had most of all the technical kitchen manager duties down.
For example, I didn’t know was how the casino stuff worked. I struggled with that and constantly asked for help. But I was able to support my employees on the line if they needed it. I wanted to succeed so badly, I wanted to help improve that restaurant.
I think I wanted this so badly because I wanted to regain my love for the field.
But I was one person and with the other three managers not really backing me up in the changes that I wanted to make, that they swore up and down that we needed to make, well it became a pointless task.
People can talk all they want, but if their actions don’t align with what they say there is NOTHING you can do to force changes on them. You can’t be the only person that wants change if it effects a whole bunch of people.
I started this manager’s position in March of 2019. This job led me to a mental breaking point.
Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for it. But in my heart I truly believe that wasn’t the case. I gave it my all. Literally I gave it EVERYTHING I had. I used all of my previous knowledge from work and school to succeed.
My days “off” were spent worrying about who was going to text me with an issue or if everything was okay there. Almost all my time was spent answering angry phone calls from employees while out to dinner with my family.
Time was spent getting nasty text messages from employees because I was just following MY bosses’ orders. It was going in on my days off to do an order or to help out with something in some way. I was exhausting with all the hiring networks. Then, about two months in, I finally saw myself spiralling downwards.
I was angry that I wasn’t being backed up by the other managers, especially the one who brought me back, that I was being blatantly ignored to my face by someone I trusted would help.
I was constantly feeling guilty because of the possibility of missing important milestones in my little sister’s life. Feeling guilty about missing out on family events. Feeling guilty for constantly feeling guilty.
I was ready for bed by like 4 PM, constantly irritable.
I was letting my other life responsibilities slide. My Network Marketing business was also suffering.
I was crying every day, multiple times a day.
I wasn’t eating, losing 30lbs.
Also, I was always dizzy. I even threw up a couple of times before going into work due to the severe stress I was feeling.
I was thinking that the world might be better off without me. I thought about death a lot more than I would like to admit. But here I am, admitting it.
This. This was my breaking point. This is when I went on the search for help.
I literally google searched therapists in my area.
This led me to a website with a bunch of therapists to choose from. This website had a little bit about the therapist and their style of therapy. This was very nerve-racking for me because somewhere in the back of my mind I was struggling with the idea that “I wasn’t broken enough for therapy.” I ended up emailing the one closest to home. I didn’t really want to travel too far for something I wasn’t sure would work. We set up an appointment at the end of June.
How Therapy Effected My Career & Relationships
I ended up giving my boss a month’s notice that I was leaving and I ended up staying a week past that month to “help out” because my boss was on vacation.
When I gave the notice I had nothing else lined up and that in itself terrified me. I had quit a job unexpectedly before and had trouble finding anything for 2 months. I refused to do the same thing. A friend of mine referred me to a temp agency that she used to get her current job. I had a job a week after I left the restaurant.
My next step was to open up and tell my wonderful boyfriend what was going on with me. I know he had noticed the signs but he is also one that doesn’t believe in getting help so it made me nervous.
I wrote him a note as a sort of ice breaker into the conversation. He was so understanding and has supported my decision to go through and through. I’ve learnt that he doesn’t believe therapy would be for HIM, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t help the people who do choose to go.
Learning this has brought the two of us closer and has led to a deeper connection because I was able to be super vulnerable with him.
What Does Therapy Feel Like?
The first couple of couple of sessions were definitely awkward.
It was about opening up about why I was there and the recent events that led me to seek help. As time went on I felt more and more comfortable. About 4 sessions in, I started opening up about different things in life and not just what led me to seek help. I opened up about certain relationships that I was struggling with and so on.
There are still times when my therapist asks me something and I have no idea how to answer her. I truly believe that it’s because I’m still struggling to find the answer. And that is OKAY.
A part of me feels like my therapist sees things in me that I struggle to see in myself. When I started my blog and put together a self-love photoshoot, she was one of the biggest cheerleaders I have ever had.
After talking to her about it, she told me that I was a leader at heart, which is something I still struggle with because of my managers’ position. I felt like a part of me had failed as a leader there so to hear someone tell me that that is something that’s in my heart & personality was difficult, but it’s also true. I know I have the strong abilities to lead and I also believe I have the ability to help others, which is the whole reason I started my blog.
My point is, if you feel like you need help, do not hesitate to go find it.
Read More : My Therapy Stories
You might be surprised by the changes you start to see in yourself throughout the process. Trust yourself to make the right decision for YOU. If you are struggling and you aren’t sure where to turn, I will always be here to listen and guide you to resources if that’s something you want.
If it hadn’t been for my best friend mentioning therapy to me I’m not sure I would have ever went. She offered a little nudge and encouragement that it was okay to seek help.
So this is my nudge and encouragement to you, as a way of paying it forward. I hope this helps someone in some way.
With Lots of Love,
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